Let Me Check Her Calendar...

You know everyone thinks babies are hard work.  While they are no walk in the park, it’s really once they are old enough to start keeping a social calendar of their own is when the action really starts.  I don't know about you people,  but my days are pretty jam-packed and so, to now have to work into them things like hockey practice and dancing school and birthday parties, things have reached an all time high on the chaos scale.  When I see this kiddo smile though, as she asks, “what’s after this nap?” and we run through it all, I suck it up and take it like a mom because it's so worth it. 

Growing up we always had handmade costumes.  My mother would stay up into the wee hours of the morning finishing our costumes the day before we would proudly walk to school hallways for the Halloween parade.  I remember, not so secretly complaining that I wanted one from the store, failing to realize that far more effort and money went into mine and that she would have saved herself some time and exhaustion.  Now, I inherited zero sewing skills and far less patience and so while I never make Kennedy’s costume I scour the web for people that can and delegate that responsibility.  This year I stepped way out of my comfort zone and gave my kid what I always asked for: A mass produced, store bought costume.  A Shimmer & Shine costume to boot-which I learned was a pretty hot-ticket buy this Halloween (but man oh man do I loathe that show).  If only it was as cheap as it looks.  I cringed as I put it on her and it literally crunched but God, was she ever happy and so as I sent her off to her preschool Halloween party, so was I.

We were pretty jazzed up for hokey practice this past week for a few reasons.  One, we did an extra practice skating session last weekend and she was excited to show her coaches how much better she got, using two feet to skate and everything!  Second, we came across a hand-me-down jersey we got from Sean’s  cousin.  She was so excited to wear a really hockey jersey; I was just excited that we were able to cover up the “hooters” part of the autograph that read: Hugs & Hooters –Lee.  The kid looked legit and Sean and I had a good laugh watching her skate away from us! 

After dance this weekend we quickly ran home for a costume change to give Shimmer another go-around for the costumed bowling birthday party she had been invited to, swapping  the wig out for spray painted hair   This was her first invite to a school friend’s party and so I was stressed because, well, I’m me.  Also, when we were getting changed Sean noticed her pet fish, Nemo, died.  We had the thing for almost 2 years and so we’d really become invested in keeping him swimming.  We debated back and forth about telling her versus just buying a lookalike to slip in the tank.  Honestly, I didn’t think she’d be too broken up about it and so we told her.  Boy was I wrong.  Total mom-fail.  I miscalculated, forgetting that death is not an abstract concept to my little one.  But as she cried and cried what really did us in was when she stopped sobbing and just sniffles and said, “well he can be Jack’s fish now, I bet that will make Jackie-boy really happy.”. She and I both got ourselves together in time for the party and she excitedly said hello to the kids from her class while I introduced me and Sean to their parents.  Each time I was met with some version of “oh we hear about Kennedy all the time!” A thousand scenarios ran through my head about what they must hear and that was only intensified when during the pizza break Kennedy brought up the death of the fish to the kids she was sitting with. Really though I was horrified about where the conversation was going to go thankfully it stopped with just poor Nemo’s passing.  The party went on without further incident except for me trying to ensure my kid was not an absolute maniac.  

As that party wrapped up we packed it up and headed on to the next round of fun.  Sean and I planned a grown-up Halloween party for my co-workers and Kennedy was going to stay at my parents house with my nephews and have a birthday party for my dad.  Everyone seemed to have a good time.  I love throwing myself into planning something and an opportunity to sabotage a diet so mission accomplished all around.

“What’s after this nap?”

 School, work, and then trick-or-treating with the neighbors.  

Inhale the chaos, my friends.  Breathe deeply. 

Fall and Love

Fall is in the air and we are inhaling it deeply in big, monstrous breaths.  This is my time of year.  I finally stop sweating, the bugs have begun to retreat, and everything begins to take on this gorgeous orange-yellow-red hue.  It’s perfect.  Though life has not slowed down one iota for us over here, we made sure to cram in a good ole’fashioned picking weekend filled to the brim with all that is fall.

 

I’m not a full-blown “PSL” nut but I’m damn close and I flew that flag high last weekend.  We certainly had a fall hangover; complete with cider donut sugar covered fingers and I may still be feeling the effects.   It was a day full of family and fun, and full bellies and all the things that make me yearn for this time of year for the other 276 days of the calendar.

This past week had us planning for Jack’s Herd’s Random Acts of Kindness day, which took place on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day on October 15^th.  We made and printed cards and brainstormed different ways to spread some kindness through this world in memory of Jack and all of the other angel babies this earth has lost.  So when Saturday rolled around, me and so many of the people I am lucky to call mine, set out to send some good juju out there.  It was amazing in so many ways.  It was like I took a heaping dose of healing love because I felt good and, truth be told, I needed it to prepare me for the weekend I was heading into. 

I had made plans to make our annual trip to Boston to visit our friends, Jen and Andrew, and their new addition, baby Oliver.  As with everything these busy days, I didn’t think to check the calendar and Sean was double-booked so he was out and it became a Mommy and Kennedy visit. I was nervous.  We made plans to stay in their new apartment they recently moved into and I suddenly was terrified I wouldn't be able to handle staying there with a brand new baby overnight and without Sean to top it off.  As we drove, Kennedy excitedly talked about holding the baby and we covered the rules: quiet voices, clean hands, and no wild stuff.  She assured me, clearly annoyed that I had implied anything else would happen, that I didn’t have to tell her that.

The moment we stepped foot into their gorgeous new life, my loving friends that looked like naturals welcoming us with open arms, my nervousness dissolved and it was my bold little lady that clamed-up.  She got incredibly quiet and hid behind my legs, unsure of what to make of a situation that was so foreign to anything she could remember.  She has been around new babies but not in the last year and half where she would have any clear memories.  So while we settled in, washed hands and prepared to meet little Oliver formally, she kept whispering, “Mama, you have to help me.”

 The second she held him though, the big sister buried within her heart showed through with a light that I would only be able to describe as magnificent.  She kissed his amazingly chubby cheeks, patted his bum, and even sang the song, word for word, that I sing her at bed every night.  I’d be lying if I said that this didn’t tear the precariously placed stitches of my broken heart but I held myself together.  That is, until I was in the bathroom and I could hear Kennedy, in her little pixie voice, tell Jen, “We don’t have a baby anymore, he died, but I’m still a big sister,” and my beautiful friend, whose presence soothes me immeasurably, responded, “Yes I know we are all still so sad and yes, you are such a wonderful big sister.”  With that the tears, which I knew would come, flowed freely; I got myself together quickly and from then on it was genuine smiles and happiness and all the love a one-month-old evokes.

We took walks, enjoyed a final meal at a favorite restaurant that would close its door that night for the last night, and passed the little bundle of love around, taking turns with the shushing, bouncing, parent walk that was like riding a bike.  As I rocked this gorgeous little boy to sleep last night, my heart couldn't help but remind me of what could have been.  My empty arms felt as full as my heart and, though there was a definite sadness within me, I mostly felt grateful; grateful to my friends for sharing their baby boy with my little girl and me for a few days.

Sean and our parents sent a lantern up to our boy at the Ohana Foundation’s 2^nd Annual Wave of Light.  I was sad to miss it but my heart knew where it needed to be this weekend and so in my absence this amazing man showed me, yet again, what a wonderful daddy he is.

It is weekends like these past two that show me that even though grief is still very much woven into the fabric that is my life, there is still so much good that shines through. 

Off to eat a slice of Pumpkin Spice Swirl bread…