This week was about me trying of recharge, emotionally. Before I tell you why I needed to recharge, in case you aren’t in the mood to read all of my words or to possibly ugly cry, I will cut to the chase and tell you it didn’t happen. I’m still spent and I’m headed into more chaos this weekend, but I digress.
Sean and I, and our poor (mostly cooperative) children have been on a non-stop ride this month. The fact that we are in the homestretch of May already blows my mind, yet here we are.
My cousin got married on Cinco de Mayo on Long Island and it was all of the things. A day filled with incredible small moments (I want to remember my baby girl putting makeup on my grandma as we were getting her ready until I draw my last breath), an enormous amount of love (there is literally nothing better than watching the groom see his girl walking down the aisle), a tremendous act of generosity and more fun than my aching feet could stand. Needless to say it was a long car ride back up state.
My sweet girl turned SIX on the tenth and, you want to talk ugly crying?! After being up late, cutting up about 10lbs of fruit for a fruit salad because “Mama, I want fruit salad for my birthday treat in school but not the kind they make at the grocery store-just the stuff I like” and munchkins don’t cut it for my girl, Facebook mercilessly provided me with a video of her newly-two-year-old self singing, “happy birthday to me,” and I was done. It is all going too fast; so fast it sometimes takes my breath away. Her birthday was kind of a rush deal, birthday waffles before school, cupcakes and a few gifts after and then back to school to show off her year’s work to her adoring audience of three.
The weekend brought us to my little brother’s college graduation. It really, truly was a celebration. This boy committed to earning his bachelors degree and taught us all what grit looks like. Six years later, a man held his head high and walked across the stage to receive is diploma, and then the little boy peeked through for a moment as he raised both of his hands overhead in celebratory fashion. I couldn’t have been more proud of him. There was an undeniable stress I could feel building beneath the surface but I tried to force it from my mind. We went to a nearby casino for a nice dinner and some fun and we really did enjoy ourselves; so much so that I almost forgot what the next day was. Almost.
I went to bed with a hope in my heart that this year would feel different but from the moment I opened my eyes I knew that it wasn’t so. My heart felt heavy, like I couldn’t get myself going. I tried to force myself to finish the weekend on a positive note but Mother’s Day is just a tough day for me. I didn’t want it to feel that way this year. I have an amazing girl that, though she is challenging and fiery, is becoming such a wonderful little human. I have a beautiful baby boy to hold in my arms and he has made my life so bright, brought a smile back to my face and I don’t know what words to use in order to best explain how grateful I am for him. But all of that does not change the fact that it doesn’t feel like enough; and that makes me feel guilty and unappreciative and so incredibly sad. One of my children is gone, and on Mother’s Day I feel that so much more acutely. All I wanted to do was go to the cemetery and be with my boy. I just wanted to have all of my kids together. And so we went and Kennedy talked to Jack and told him, “Uncle Dyl is done with college!” and Carter sat in the grass and this beautiful man I am so lucky to still have by my side, asked if I wanted a picture with the kids. And he said it so effortlessly that it didn’t feel strange, and it was everything I needed. I wanted this year to be different, and it was, but what I really want to feel different, I suspect never will. It will always hurt that Jack is gone, especially on Mother’s Day.
So this week has flown by and dragged on at the same time. I started it emotionally drained and I am ending it feeling like I have nothing left in my tank. Something I was really hoping for didn’t work out and it really hit me hard. I am feeling like I am going to have to let some of this emotion out sooner rather than later but there just isn’t any time. There is a momentum propelling me forward and it is really the only thing getting me through this weekend. Next up on the docket is Kennedy’s carnival birthday party and a quick work trip to Boston.
It’ll be next week before I can blink. And so as I said about four thousand words ago, I need to recharge. Maybe next week?
A quick side note: I sat with Carter in bed last night and he was “talking” and playing and all of the sudden he looked quickly over at the pictures of Jack on the wall in my room and he smiled a great, big, gummy smile. I had all of the feels and all of the goose bumps. I don’t know if it means anything but I’d like to think it does.
