Make Him Feel my Love

I decided to take another ride down to Long Island on Thursday with Kennedy.  Even though I had just been there, I needed another visit with some of the people I love.  It meant leaving Sean home to work and to assemble the monstrous swing set we ordered for Kennedy’s birthday, and that meant being away from him for the first time since Jack died; I was scared but still, we went.

The end of last month brought me through another big step I’ve had to take since we’ve lost our boy.  We visited my two girlfriends and their new babies.  It was so good to see them, as I have missed them terribly but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t terrified before walking through their front doors.  I didn’t know how I would react and what that could do to our friendships.  With Sean and Kennedy with me, I felt a bit more at ease and like I could keep it together for the most part.  Of course as soon as I saw the girls and we hugged, the kind of hugs that say all the things you are unable to say out loud, I cried my eyes out.  After I pulled myself together and laid eyes on their beautiful baby girl and boy, I cried some more.  Surprisingly though, they were different tears than I’d anticipated.  Yes, it made me sad and it made me miss Jack in a way I can’t even begin to explain, but they made me feel connected to him also.  These two tiny people were Jack’s friends.  They would have grown up together.  They would have never known that there was anything different about him, and if they did, they probably wouldn’t have cared.  And so immediately, looking at them, I loved them.  Perhaps every time I see them, they will tug on the strings of my broken heart, but only to remind me they are my son’s buddies; his people. 

While it was good to see them all, it took a bit to recover from it.  Leaving and going home to our baby-less house highlighted what we’ve lost, and it was brutal.  And so, to Long Island I went.  Call it fleeing or call it refuge, but in any case, I needed it.  I called my mom’s best friend Anne, and we made plans to go there for a real girl’s tea party.  But really, the truth is, just being in her presence heals me a bit.  She proves to me, you can survive a loss like this.  It will take a very long time, and it will hurt something fierce, but you can do it.  And for that reason I needed a visit.  My mom, Kennedy and I went.  We all had a good laugh as Kennedy prepared her tea with 1 part decaf tea, 4 parts heavy cream, 5 parts sugar and a spoonful of fresh whipped cream for good measure.  Walking through her garden is one of the most calming places I have been.  From its inspiration, I was able to decide the kind of tree I want to plant in front of our home in Jack’s memory, a gift from my sister and brother-in-law.  Anne bought me a gorgeous garden rock to place near it once it’s planted and it, again, pointed out: she understands. 

We also went in to the city with my uncle for an old-fashioned day spoiling Kennedy.  We took a long horse and carriage ride through Central Park, had tea at the Plaza like Eloise, and took a shopping trip at Bergdorf’s the first time I was ever at both of those and my not-even-3 year old has done it!).  It was fun and decadent and a memorable day, all the things my Uncle Stephen is about.  More than anything, I smiled a lot, which, for me, is a damn good day.  My child now has nicer clothes than I will probably ever own too, lucky little twerp!

We also went to my cousin’s son’s First Communion.  It was a beautiful day and a beautiful mass.  The priest sang a song during it.  While he sang I couldn’t keep from crying.  It said everything my heart was feeling.  ‘Make you feel my Love’ was the song (by take your pick: Bob Dylan, Billy Joel, Adele…) and while I’d heard it before, it has never spoken to me the way it did that day.

I prayed harder than I ever have.  I prayed Jack is able to feel my love for him even though I can’t show him in the same ways I can show his sister.  I would give anything to be able to hold him and hug him and smother him with kisses the way I can with Kennedy.  And so this song awoke in me the feral animal that rears it’s ugly head from time to time and when the day way over and I couldn’t keep it in another second, I cried.  Hard.  I cried because all I can do is hope that the way I choose to live my life and remember Jack will be enough to show him how much his family loves him; that he will feel our love. 

Who knows; it may have been being away from Sean that made me miss Jack so much these last few days.  I believe that when we’re together there is a comfort there for the simple fact that he held that baby too.  He carries those memories just as closely as I do and when we’re together it makes them so much more real and strong.  All I know is when we got home yesterday, as soon as I saw him, my heart quieted a bit and I could breathe a little easier.

I try to think of it this way:  the love we are feeling from all of our friends and family lately is in large part a love they too have for Jack.  Because he isn’t here with us, they are channeling through us to him.  And if this is any measure of how loved he is, he would have been one lucky boy.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, the swing set was successfully assembled in a cool 17 hours over the course of 3 days with the help of some good guys; and the little lady is thrilled! 

Success!