Elfin' Exhausted

And so it's here.  Christmas is just two days away and I'm in survival mode.  Presents are wrapped, house is clean, I've got an awful cold, and a toddler that asks every 3 minutes if it's Christmas yet.  Yes, my love, Santa is almost here.  I know this because there is an aching in my heart that hasn't been this strong in a while.  Our lives have been so busy the last few weeks that it was almost possible to ignore it.  Almost.

There has been holiday parties where I learned to cook things I would never be bold enough to attempt on my own, dinner and conversation with a girlfriend that was needed more than I knew and long overdue, cookie baking with the kiddos, dinner and drinks with my mama and sister that resulted in laughing until we cried and an epic debate over whether the "L" in Rudolph is silent (I wholeheartedly believe it is, by the way), brunch with Santa, and a Disney on ice show that was worth the $12 cotton candy and $20 souvenir to see the smiles on their faces.

And, perhaps needless to say, I'm exhausted.  Deep down in my bones.  Don't get me wrong, the smiles and fun-completely genuine, but getting myself to keep going, to keep my head up during this time of year has worn me down.

Tuesday, while we inched our way forward in the preschool drop-off line, Kennedy asked, "Mama, what do you want for Christmas?"  It's like my mind or my heart, to two inextricably tied, can't help itself; I instantly thought: Jack. I want my boy.  I want to wake up Christmas morning with both of my babies and make our way to the tree where Kennedy would tear through mounds of presents and no doubt help her baby brother open his first Christmas gifts too.  I couldn't answer her.  I just couldn't bring myself to make something up so instead I just told her Santa doesn't bring presents to grown-ups, which she happily accepted as fact and continued on with her wish list, adding things to the list I had going in my mind of last minute gifts to buy.

I did get one thing I wanted, regardless of how bittersweet it was.  Today Jack's headstone was placed.  Sean and I went to see it together.  It was beautiful and heart wrenching.  Though there is such a sense of relief to have his placed marked, to see my baby boy's name spelled out made it all seem so final. He's really gone.  

So again, survival mode.  We are staying local for the first time ever for Christmas and while I'll miss some favorite family traditions, I'm okay with that this year.  I'm not placing high expectations on myself and if we can make it through the next few days with some smiles and our little lady enjoying herself, I'll take it.

Merry Christmas to you and yours.

Xo