Four

My sweet baby boy,

You would have been four today.  Now how can that be?  How can it have been that long?

I can still remember every single second of this day four years ago and the days before and after, the weight of you in my arms, every curve of your face, and the way your tiny hand felt in mine like it was just moments ago; my heart still aches like it was. 

The last few days have been hard.  I can’t help but run through everything over and over again.  I sometimes wish I could forget some of it; that it would dull around the edges even just a little bit.  Then there are other times I cling to those memories, praying that I remember every last detail; it’s all I have of you.  Or is it?

I have your dad, a man that loves in a way that makes it impossible not to believe in true love.  A man that loves his children so deeply that it stretches to the heavens.  You did that.

Then there is your sister.  She is empathetic, brave, and caring.  Kennedy is such a good big sister; she’d do anything to show how much she loves her brothers.  That’s you too.

And your baby brother; Carter has brought so much peace to our hearts- peace that, four years ago, I never thought we’d find again.  It’s in his quiet way with the larger than life personality that peeks through, or the way he hugs me tight before bed, that makes me believe you are in there too. 

I don’t know if you have to make wishes in heaven, but just in case you don’t, I have a few birthday wishes for you.   I wish for you to feel me with you, sweet boy, the part of me that left with you that day.   I wish for you to hear me sing each night to your brother and sister, because I am singing for you too.  I wish for you to feel the love that is being spread in your name through Jack’s Herd and feel proud of how profoundly your short, beautiful life has impacted so many others.  

Oh Jack, my heart hurts today and the tears won’t stop falling.  Your sister, upset and frustrated last night, told me we can’t celebrate your birthday without you, that it’s not right. She didn’t say it to upset me and I tried not to let on how bad it hurt but she wasn’t wrong.  This isn’t right; it wasn’t supposed to be this way.  I should be anxiously preparing a birthday party that I went overboard with, driving Daddy nuts with the details he thinks are silly, not worrying about picking the right flowers to leave by your spot today. But here we are.  

So today I will cry.  Today I will mourn all that was lost, and trust me, with each passing day with your brother and sister, we know just how much we lost of you four years ago. Today is the day for tears and tomorrow we will celebrate you.  

Kennedy made you cupcakes and blew out your candle and Carter ate it for you.  I heard her whisper in the kitchen, "I wished that we could come up to heaven and say hi to you on your birthday and then come back home."  I take more comfort than I expected in knowing you will celebrate with Papa this year.  Not too much ice cream; you Doyle boys tend to overdo it!  

Jack Holden, there is not a day that has passed where my heart does not call out for you.  I love you with every ounce of my heart.  Happy 4th Birthday, baby.

You are so loved and you are so missed.

All of my love,

Mommy

Happy Birthday, Baby Boy

To my sweet baby- the littlest Doyle boy,

I really can’t begin to wrap my head around how we got here.  How is it that I just put you to sleep on the last night before your first birthday?  How did it all go so fast?  

It really seems to my heart that you were just getting here; that I was sitting around, quite literally holding my breath waiting to see you; to hear your cries and see you breathing. I can remember all of those months leading up to that moment-and with each passing one I was desperately trying not to get too attached to you, afraid our eyes would never meet.  And yet the moment I heard your first loud cry I knew what I’d known all along, I was already wrapped around your chubby little fingers and there was no turning back.  

From those first minutes you were this big, sweet boy.  Your chubby cheeks made it impossible not to fall in love with you and those big round eyes made it impossible to look away.  Even now, those eyes seem to be taking every single thing in, like you know there is too many amazing things around you to miss.

With you, you brought so much of what had been missing from our home for far too long.  You have filled our lives with laughter- and its obvious you love to make your adoring fans laugh, smiles- real honest-to-God smiles, the kind that reach your eyes and bring color to your cheeks, the kind I have been so desperate to see in photos again.  You gave your sister a partner in crime; someone to love, and snuggle, and chase.  You gave your dad a little buddy to make him feel funny and growl with. 

You brought me back to life, my sweet boy.  I know that is a lot of responsibility to put on such tiny shoulders but it is the truth. I am really living again.  When your brother left us I felt so robbed, so cheated, and so angry.  It’s like I was sent a boy that could melt some of that ache away from my heart and soften some of those hard edges again.  You brought the light back into my world. 

Our vacation this last week with you was a bit hectic, chasing you around and holding our breaths as you narrowly missed coffee table edges, waking up before sunrise because you like your crib at home better, but you made every moment of it sweeter too. You are so very loved; it makes me feel like my heart could burst at its seams.

I will celebrate your year here with us the only way I know how: big, full of faces that love you, and all the mama tears I have in my tank.  I will cry: because I am so sad I can not keep you small, because I am relieved to have made it to a year with a healthy, happy boy that is growing (and walking, and cutting three teeth in a ten-day-span!!), and because I didn’t think I would ever really celebrate a first birthday again.    

You have a fever tonight. I will wake up and check on you no less that six times.  I will tell myself it will be to make sure you are all right, that your fever doesn’t come back.  But my heart knows the truth-I want to take in every moment of you I can before you turn One.  Because I know how fast this will go; I know that in the blink of an eye, you too will be six.  But to me, you will forever be my little chooch, my sweet baby boy. 

I love you, Carter Fitzgerald, more than I will probably ever be able to put into words.

Happy Birthday.  

Love, 

Mama