Fantasyland Magic

When Kennedy excitedly told me early last week that Lennon, our 5-month-old Basset Hound-Beagle-Lab mix, lost her first tooth and that we should put it under her pillow for the Tooth Fairy to come, I wondered how deep we should dive into fantasyland.  Does the Tooth Fairy visit puppies?  Were we going to set that precedent?  As she looked for her fairy-dust pouch to stow the tooth in under her pillow, I decided there was no way I could tell her no- and especially not when I had been trying to hold the Easter Bunny over her head for the last few weeks.

The results were magic. (By the way- the going rate for puppy teeth is $1 and a puppy treat)

After that I was hooked.  I needed another fix.  And so we baked cookies, dyed almost two dozen eggs, stuffed Easter pails for her cousins, decorated, and made sure there was nothing on the floor for the “big, clumsy Bunny to trip ova”.  When we woke up early, she proved to us "the Easter Bunny" needs to up his game in the egg-hiding department.

Again, magic.

We cooked and prepped for my family to come over.  It was going to be (almost-we were short one) all of my brothers, my sister-in-law and niece, my sister and her family, my parents, Sean’s parents, and two of our friends that didn’t have family in town.  The furniture was rearranged, the table was set, the food was cooked, the kid had napped even on a sugar high and I was applying my make-up as the first round arrived.

We egg-hunted, we ate, and we laughed, we argued light-heartedly, and ate some more.  And the magic seemed to just keep coming. 

That’s not to say that along the way there was a little sadness as we visited Jack’s special spot, brought him some Easter flowers, his big sister telling him, “Know what Jackie?  I’ll find your eggs for you and eat your candy!” but nevertheless it was a good weekend.

As we put the house back together again, Kennedy asked what we were going to do next, I emphatically said, “Rest.”  Last night she said, “Hey I got a idea! Let’s write Santa a note to say ‘hi,’ just in case he passes by our house while I’m asleep!”

And so, how far did we dive into fantasyland?  Deep. Way down deep and without hesitation.  And in case you’re wondering, we left Santa’s note on the porch table- and he just happened to be in the neighborhood.

27,000 Thank You's

Anniversaries are interesting.  They mark all sorts of things in our minds and hearts.  With every passing day, month, and year they become more or less important.  Sometimes, depending on what the anniversary is representing, it is harder some years more than others. 

Today marks the one-year anniversary of an important day for me.  One year ago today, while my husband and little girl slept, I was restless.  I was spending yet another night replaying the days leading up to losing Jack over and over and so I got out of bed and made one of the most important decisions I have ever made.  I began to unburden my heart by writing about what was inside of it, good and bad, devastating, happy, any of it.  I began my blog. I called it Inhaling Chaos after a favorite poem of mine because that is what it felt like I was doing.  I was breathing chaos through my lungs but I knew I couldn’t keep that inside of me forever and so I decided that night to release it back out; I would try and put words to the hurt in the most honest way I could.

The words poured out of me, along with the tears.  With great big, heaving sobs, I told a love story.  It hurt in a way I can’t explain.  I wrote into the early hours of the next morning.  I had Sean read it, praying he would be alright with all of the details I'd shared that we hadn’t told anyone prior to then.  I pushed publish and let a few people know what I'd done.  The response was nothing I ever expected. And for there it grew.

Week by week I poured out my heart.  I let go a tiny bit of the pain with each post little by little my sense of humor started finding its way back into my words.  I was baffled by the hits that Inhaling Chaos counted.  I couldn’t believe anyone wanted to read what I had to say.  Truth be told, even if Sean was the only one to ever read my posts I’d write them still, because it has been a cathartic release I could never fully explain. 

One year later; 27,000 views later and I still have something to say.  Thank you.  Thank you for coming along on this journey with me, however sad it can be at times.  Thank you for encouraging me to continue looking at myself from angles I never knew existed.  Interestingly enough, when I write something, once I've put it out into the world, I rarely, if ever, re-read what I've written.  It’s like once I've freed it from my mind or my heart- I can’t bear to take it back in, and so I thank you for that as well. Thank you for helping me to shoulder some of the burdens that comes with the heart of the grieving parent.

Tomorrow will mark the day I first published my blog.  It will also mark the day that would have been Jack’s birthday.  I thought it would have been a less significant day after the first year but I suppose that was wishful thinking.  It was not his birthday though, that came and went on January 25^th, yet it was the birth of something else.  It was one of the very first moments I began to find myself again amidst the chaos. 

Thank you.