Anniversaries are interesting. They mark all sorts of things in our minds
and hearts. With every passing day,
month, and year they become more or less important. Sometimes, depending on what the anniversary
is representing, it is harder some years more than others.
Today marks the one-year anniversary of an important day for
me. One year ago today, while my husband
and little girl slept, I was restless. I
was spending yet another night replaying the days leading up to losing Jack
over and over and so I got out of bed and made one of the most important
decisions I have ever made. I began to
unburden my heart by writing about what was inside of it, good and bad,
devastating, happy, any of it. I began
my blog. I called it Inhaling Chaos
after a favorite poem of mine because that is what it felt like I was
doing. I was breathing chaos through my
lungs but I knew I couldn’t keep that inside of me forever and so I decided
that night to release it back out; I would try and put words to the hurt in the
most honest way I could.
The words poured out of me, along with the tears. With great big, heaving sobs, I told a love
story. It hurt in a way I can’t
explain. I wrote into the early hours of
the next morning. I had Sean read it,
praying he would be alright with all of the details I'd shared that we hadn’t
told anyone prior to then. I pushed
publish and let a few people know what I'd done. The response was nothing I ever expected. And
for there it grew.
Week by week I poured out my heart. I let go a tiny bit of the pain with each
post little by little my sense of humor started finding its way back into my
words. I was baffled by the hits that Inhaling Chaos counted. I couldn’t believe anyone wanted to read what
I had to say. Truth be told, even if
Sean was the only one to ever read my posts I’d write them still, because it
has been a cathartic release I could never fully explain.
One year later; 27,000 views later and I still have
something to say. Thank you. Thank you for coming along on this journey
with me, however sad it can be at times.
Thank you for encouraging me to continue looking at myself from angles I
never knew existed. Interestingly
enough, when I write something, once I've put it out into the world, I rarely,
if ever, re-read what I've written. It’s
like once I've freed it from my mind or my heart- I can’t bear to take it back
in, and so I thank you for that as well. Thank you for helping me to shoulder
some of the burdens that comes with the heart of the grieving parent.
Tomorrow will mark the day I first published my blog. It will also mark the day that would have
been Jack’s birthday. I thought it would
have been a less significant day after the first year but I suppose that was
wishful thinking. It was not his
birthday though, that came and went on January 25th, yet it was the
birth of something else. It was one of
the very first moments I began to find myself again amidst the chaos.
Thank you.
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