Happy First Birthdays

After Jack’s birthday had come and gone I had convinced myself all of the incredibly significant milestones had passed.  We made it through all of them; survived all of them. But I forgot about a few days I’d have to brace myself for.  The two tiny humans that would most likely have been Jack’s best friends were turning one.

(photo credit: Google)

When two of my closest girlfriends, Shelby & Lindsey, and I had learned we were pregnant at the same time, and, more than that, due within weeks and days of each other, it was so exciting.  We’d compare ultrasound pictures and the aches and pains that went along with pregnancy.  We talked about how fun it would be to be on maternity leave together; to meet for walks at the park.  We excitedly reveal genders, one girl and two boys.  But as complications started to arise it was clear our pregnancy paths were diverging until mine took a sharp right and brought me to an early delivery and having to say goodbye to my boy decades before it could be fair.

As the months passed and they welcomed their little ones home, my heart ached.  Not because I wasn’t happy for them- not even close.  My heart ached at the thought that I would watch these beautiful babies grow up and in fear that I would only ever be able to see who was missing.  I was afraid to hold them; afraid that I would be betraying my own baby boy as I reveled in the warm baby weight my arms were so desperate to feel.  So I put it off for a bit but my love for their mamas and the love my broken heart was still managing to hold for them didn’t allow that for long. 

Because the truth is I knew these are Jack’s people; they would have been there for him, they would have been raised to accept him for all of his differences and taught to acknowledge all of the ways he was just like them and I love them fiercely, even in Jack’s absence, even if it hurts sometimes. 

And so when March rolled around and little Zoe turned one, sporting one of Kennedy’s baby headbands on her big day, I couldn’t help but feel so nostalgic about when my own baby girl’s first birthday had come.  I though about how Lindsey was feeling, probably sad in some way even though it was such a happy day.  It’s like your heart knows that infancy is gone but isn’t yet ready to accept it.  I brought her gift in to work, somewhat relieved there was some distance between the celebration and me. 

When Shelby texted to invite us to Crosby’s first birthday, truth-be-told, I panicked.  It wasn’t because I didn’t want to be there.  I did.  I just felt like I couldn’t be trusted to hold myself together as I watched this baby boy eat his cake and open his presents.  I remembered back to when my nephew, Mason, had turned one and how badly my heart had ached then.  But that was so shortly after Jack had died; I felt stronger now.  So I said yes.  I stressed myself out leading up to it and so when Kennedy woke up with a bad cold the day before I thought, “Oh, we can’t possibly go now,” (no, I am not above using my sick kid to get out of something).  But Sunday came and she seemed better so I made sure I let my Shelby know we were coughing and runny and when she gave us the go-ahead to come on over, I took a deep breath, wrapped his gift and headed out the door. 

I was anxious at first when I got there but Shelby, maybe sensing it-maybe just knowing her friend, offered me some wine, I gladly accepted and decided to enjoy my boy’s buddy’s big day.  And I did. I loved watching his confused face while his family sang to him and his big smile as he played with tissue paper and sat in his new toy.  I smiled as I watched Kennedy and Paige play and giggle and squeal so happy to see each other, hoping they’ll always be so close.

And at one point as I held Crosby, freeing his mama’s hands for a few minutes as she cleaned up, something happened.  Maybe it is me reading into a sleepy baby’s reflexive action, but it was like he knew I needed this, and he laid his little cheek against mine and sighed deeply.  For a minute my heart didn’t hurt.  It was like he was delivering a snuggle to me on behalf of his little friend that watches over him from above.