Summer Livin'

It’s been a while since I’ve sat down to pour some thoughts into this blog.  It’s been for good reason though- we’ve been busy doing a lot of summer livin’; busy cramming as much as we could into my last few days of summer off before I head back to work.  I’d be a huge liar if I said that I have enjoyed every single second home with Kennedy.  Sometimes I feel like as a mama whose lost one of her children I’m not supposed to feel like that; like my kid annoys the crap out of me.  But there you have it: she does sometimes.  This is not to say that I don’t eat those moments up too, it’s just that they give me some wicked indigestion.  Four has brought us some challenges; strong-willed, question everything, argue everything, eat nothing challenges.  So we made sure to mix in enough fun that if we look back on this summer that will be what we remember-not the battles.

Some highlights from the last week and a half:

There is something magical about fruit patches and picking you own; it all just tastes better.   Seriously though, I really think that if you gave me a blueberry I’d picked and one I’d bought in the grocery store I could tell you which was which.  

Ask me how long it takes a four year old to pick a quart of blueberries…go ahead, ask me….

We made our way back to one of our favorite spots of summer.  Kennedy is in it for the horses and I am in it for the first rate people-watching but either way the track is a family favorite.  Opening day was packed but Kennedy put on her best retro sundress and shoes and picked out a hat and made her way right up to the rail every race-whether I could squeeze up there with her or not but as crowded as it was the sea of people parted to let her through every time. 

This week we spent a day in the park getting boldly close to the ducks, riding the carousel, and grabbing some ice cream with Daddy.  A lot of our summer is just Kennedy and I so the rare days where Sean can join in makes the little lady’s day. 

Kennedy and I made our way up to the Adirondacks to our favorite place in all the land.  We made our yearly visit to my best friend’s family camp to visit with a family I have come to love and look forward to spending a few days with every year.  

As with everything else we do annually, this trip changed a bit with Kennedy being a year older.  Jumping off the dock was a new one and making sure we had crafts and games to play with will probably all be staples for years to come.  As Jen awaits her own little man, making his appearance in a few weeks, she is happy to show my little girl all of the best things camp life has to offer. 

The days are long and the nights are sleepy, cool and full of sounds you can only hear if you download a good white-noise app for your phone.  Watching my fearless one nuzzle the horses and swim without her puddle-jumper I am amazed at how much older she seems than four sometimes.  When Jen’s aunt asked about my tattoo and I fumbled trying to explain it, Kennedy simply said, “She got that for my baby brother so we always remember him.”  There. Just like that.  As we packed it up and headed home, she complained that she didn’t want to leave camp, that she loves it there and why can’t we stay there longer, I thought, “Same here, kid.”

Monday brings another new school year.  I really need it to be a good one, since this last one was pretty tough and I already know that I am putting too much pressure on it and everything but the truth is that life in the summer makes it really hard for the rest of the year to measure up to it.

So if you need me, I’ll be sorting through my photos; deciding which ones will carry me through the next 200 school days….

Time Flies

Time flies when you are having fun.  Really it flies whenever you are happy, I feel.  I say this as someone who knows how slowly the days can creep by when times are not so great.  I can remember literally willing the days to move by, maybe so I could feel like I was at least surviving the worst days of my life, if nothing else.  Now that the days are far brighter by comparison, though still are filed with moments that highlight our missing boy, they are whizzing by at a speed that is head spinning. 

Last week started out with us frantically packing for our long awaited trip to Mexico, a Christmas gift Sean had surprised me with back in December.  Although we couldn’t wait to take off, I was still so nervous about leaving our girl.  The last time we left her longer than over night was when we left for Philadelphia and when we returned home it was without her brother and our lives were completely upended.  So we soaked up every minute with her making sure she was in as good a place as could be before we left her with my parents.  She and I ran the Firecracker 4 in Saratoga (the little lady ran the kids’ half mile race and she rocked it) before heading to my sister’s house for a BBQ and to watch the firework shows.  It was a great time, and actually made me wonder why we were going away when everything and everyone we could possibly need was right here at home. 

As the day came for us to leave, my stomach was in knots but was quickly put at ease as Kennedy rushed us out the door to begin her reign over Nana and Gramps’ house.

When we left early the next morning, with my cousin, his wife and two other couples they frequently vacation with, I decided right then and there to stop worrying about leaving and reconsidering the decision to go.  If there were ever two people that could have used a vacation-a real honest-to-God, drink-and-eat-yourself-silly, grown-up vacation it was the Doyle’s.  And so vacation we did.  And it was amazing, and relaxing, and everything we needed after a pretty rough go of life. 

And so if you are ever wondering if you should leave your little ones for a few nights and have some fun or if it’s selfish, the answer is yes to both-but I’m ok with that.  Parenting is the most selfless thing a person will ever do-literally putting someone else’s needs before your own every second of the day; it’s peeing with an audience, eating cold food, and passing out during a show that you have never once watched live because, really, who the hell can stay up that late?  And so I’ve learned that, even after you’ve suffered a loss that makes it nearly impossible to breathe without being near your children, every so often you need to hit the pause button on parenting, pass the kiddos off to the ones that love their guts most, and enjoy each other as the people you were when it all began. 

And it makes coming home to your baby all the more sweet.