Holiday Build-Up

Presents are wrapped.  Stockings are hung. All five (that's right, folks, five) advent calendars/Christmas countdowns are up-to-date.  We've been filling my first week off with lots to keep us busy, school drop off and pick up, visits with family and friends, dinners and brunches.  It's all been great and it's all a wonderful buildup to Christmas.  But, there is just no getting around the fact that no matter how great things look and feel-I'm so sad.  Christmas makes me sad; regardless of all of the amazing things going on it all feels incomplete.  Now, I know in reality this is not any different from any other day the last (almost) two years, but it must be all of the joy that comes with Christmas that highlights the fissures in my heart.  The juxtaposition of it all takes my breath away.  I find myself wondering:  how could I have ever known that, two years ago, in exactly thirty days from Christmas, such a happy day, that my life would be irrevocably changed?

The buildup for me is always the worst part.  I overthink everything, playing every single scenario through in my head.  And so, I keep busy; it's what I do.  Friday came and brought work to an end for me for seventeen glorious days.  I closed out the workweek with drinks and some of my co-workers who turned into amazing friends.  The next day, after a visit from Fire Truck Santa, was spent at my parent’s house celebrating early Christmas with my grandma, who came up with my mom from Long Island.  We had a great time; laughing and watching her great grandchildren play and tear through gifts sent up from extended family.  My Grammy is a special lady and being around her makes me want to curl up in her lap, put my arms around her neck, and breathe her in deeply like I used to when I was little.  

Sunday brought us to our third annual Santa Brunch with our friends.  We started going when Lindsey and I were pregnant with Jack and Zoe.  Last year was tough but we went and it was manageable-fun even, and so we kept with tradition and brought the girls back this year.  It may seem strange, and it even surprises me, but being around Zoe, just 2 months apart from Jack, doesn't make me sad.  It brings me a sense of peace to my heart.  Her being afraid of Santa reminds me our little guy probably would have been weary too; he probably would have loved to sit on Kennedy's lap too.  She helps keep him with me, if that makes any sense.  And to top it all off-we got another picture with the Big Guy!

The next day brought us to the preschool Christmas party where I felt a ridiculous amount of mommy anxiety and realized I was the only one who it didn't occur to dress their kid in something festive-we were rocking flannel.  I fumbled through awkward small talk, wondering how a person that can talk to mostly anyone is so intimidated by other mothers at school functions.  I think it's because since Jack died, my biggest fear is that the question, "Is she your only one?" will be asked.  And so, when the words came out of this woman's mouth I braced for impact and said, "Yes," and my heart broke yet again so I quickly rebounded with, "well, actually no.  Kennedy had a baby brother but he passed away."  And though she looked painfully uncomfortable, and I felt for her for that, I truly did, I could not-would not-deny that boy had existed or leave him out of the count.  Luckily we were next for Santa, got our pic and quickly moved on with our day.  

The next few days were filled with hockey, a trip to the movies and taking Kennedy and my brothers for some open skate at the rink near our house.  Watching her school her uncles was hysterical, especially when she said, " Mama, do you see those goofs?"

So we continue to prep for Saturday and Sunday, move the damn elf, threaten calls to Santa, and most of all stay busy.  While it's important to stop and take it all in, I know, for me, this will involve a lot of tears and reassuring to Kennedy that I am okay.  And I am okay, or at least I will be again in a little over a month.  The incomplete feeling will not go away-I have wrapped my head around that-it's just that Christmas knocks me off kilter.   I will get my balance back.

Happiest holidays my friends. May it be filled with beautiful, magical chaos and may you remember to inhale it deeply. And Santa, don't forget about the rainbow socks!  Xox