Somewhere Over the Rainbow

It is rare that I can't find the words to explain something but these last few weeks I have found myself grasping at the right ones to explain how I am feeling.  I left you a with a bit of news last post and then nothing.  I have been processing it all for the last sixteen weeks and while I'm not entirely sure I will get this all right, I will try.

We are having a baby.  Somehow over the last two years of heartbreak, devastation, and putting some of the pieces back together again, Sean and I found the courage in each other and ourselves to venture down this road again. We are having another baby.

A rainbow baby.  It's what they call this pregnancy; the baby that comes after a loss.

To say it is overwhelming is a tremendous understatement.  I am feeling all the feels that there are.  I am happy, heartbroken, excited and absolutely terrified with every fiber of my being.  I try to tune any of the negative out but the truth is life experience is what guides feelings and our experience has not been easy or simple so to expect this pregnancy to be otherwise is somewhat unrealistic.  But I try to make sure that happy is the feeling that wins out at the end of every day.

We had talked about not telling Kennedy until she'd start asking questions.  Originally I said I wanted to wait as long as we possibly could to tell anyone, this belly didn't allow for keeping a secret too long. I guess by the third kiddo, your body figures this is old hat and just goes with it. Sean and I both agreed that we didn't want anyone to know before we told Kennedy-it didn't seem right to either of us.  And so as we were driving in the car one night I asked, "Hey Tallulah, what do you always tell us you want to get, like the kids in your school always talk about?"  She quickly answered, " A baby!"  We told her we were going to have a baby right around when she starts kindergarten.  Her quick follow up was, "A boy baby or a girl baby?"  Since at that point we already knew because of the genetic testing we had decided to do I was able to tell her. "We're going to have a baby boy!"  She was excited and I felt a sense of relief.  It was short lived though as she said,  "Can we call him Jack?!"  It was like a punch in the gut. Truly.  It took me a minute to get my breath and choke back the tears.  I managed to squeak out, "No baby, we can't call him Jack, we have a Jack, but we'll figure out a good name for this baby that will be his own." And as long as I draw breath I will remember the sound of her little voice as she started to cry, "But I really want a brother Jack." To that I could not respond, only hold my breath so I didn't let out the building sob.  Sean, ever my wingman was ready with, "You have a brother Jack." She thought for a quiet second and said, " Yeah! And you know what? Jack is going to be a big brudda and I'm going to be another big sister and I think we should name him Donald!" After clarifying that she meant the duck and not the Trump-we told her we'd think it over, we made our way over to my parents to share the news.  We were through the door all of two minutes when Kennedy blurted, "Guess what? Since baby Jack died, we're getting a new baby!"  Another gut-punch but my mom took it in stride.

Our families and friends are thrilled, and while they haven't said it, I'm not sure they thought we'd ever give this another go. I have a strict rule of not too much emotion-I'm dealing with a lot of my own and can't handle too much more than that. 

I want to enjoy this pregnancy; every single day.   I wished Jack's to be over so many times because I couldn't handle the bad news that just seemed to keep coming-never knowing it would be over all too soon and he would be gone. So, though I have felt sick most of the day for the last sixteen weeks, I am trying to embrace it all and accept that we have gotten only good news, things are looking good, progressing as they should, and that everything is going fine.

I am trying my damnedest to fight off feelings of guilt but, truth be told, they are there, waiting in the shadows when I think about the boy that came before this one. 

But, as my wise little girl told us, Jack is going to be a big brother.  And though his role will look a little different than their sister's, he will watch over his siblings and protect them in a way that even their dad and I can't. 

Carter Fitzgerald Doyle will be a very lucky, very loved, and very welcomed rainbow in our world.