Party for Five

Birthday parties for Kennedy are a big deal for me.  Since the very first one I have spent weeks trying to make sure that they are special and fun, and that my little girl can feel how very loved she is.  I dropped the ball the year she turned three; the year Jack died.  The problem was her birthday fell on Mother's Day and so I just couldn't rally. We had cake and sang to her with Sean's mom and my sister and nephews but that was it.  That was as good as it was going to get.  Silly as it may seem, and I know that some of you read that and think 'sounds like a party to me' and you're probably right. Maybe the real problem was that my heart wasn't in it at all and the guilt from that still eats at me.  I always pray she doesn't remember me like that; that she was just too little. 

And so here we are approaching five.  I simply cannot wrap my head and heart around that.  How can this be?  So when she started talking about her birthday more and more, as we went to party after party for the friends she's made over the years, I wanted to make sure I got it right. Five seems like a big deal.  They are real little kids at five.  Everything starts- school, sports, real friends that they've made outside of the social circles they were born into; all of it.  So we talk and talked and trough around ideas-many of which I deemed not “good enough” or she vetoed, and Sean all the while saying, "Just let her pick!"  While I had these grand ideas swirling in my mind, the little guy cooking has got me feeling pretty exhausted and it seemed like more than I could undertake-and heaping any extra stress on top seemed unwise.  And so one day when she mentioned that she misses hockey (since it's been a while and the new schedule conflicted with dance class-big catastrophe) we said how about ice skating?  She immediately said yes and we booked it.  

Invitations were made and sent into preschool, mailed to the others and plans were being made.  She wanted 'Shimmer and Shine' decorations and, God help me, I agreed, though if I'm being honest killed me a little.  As people responded she happily checked or crossed their names off, getting more and more excited.  

The days leading up to the party-the nights really-I would lay awake and worry was this a mistake? How many 4-5 years old can skate?! Am I going to have a "party" full of frustrated, crying kiddos, whose parents were going to be wondering, "What kind of idiot has an ice skating party for kids this age?!"  But Sean, the non-worrier of our duo was unconcerned.  

We are seriously into skirts and dresses right now-which for a rough and tumble kind of gal mean lots of exposed scrapes and bruises and knees that no matter how hard I scrub always seem to be grass stained and dirty.  But still she wanted to wear a skirt so that plus a 'Shimmer and Shine' tee, mix in whatever padded hockey gear I could convince on her and we had quite the birthday party ensemble. 

We arrived early to set up.  We tested our marriage attempting to untangle the twenty balloon I'd made an utter mess of stuffing into my car earlier.  But all was well and as the kids arrived, the look of pure happiness on my little girl's face made all of my neurotic worries melt away.  

Being worried about these kids being able to skate or enjoy themselves? Ridiculous.  I severely underestimated the determination that pumped through the veins of our little ones.  Some of them took to it like they were born on skates while others hung onto the buckets for dear life but the smiles-oh the smiles were there.  Kennedy skated from friend to friend encouraging them and telling them how good they were and my heart felt full.  Watching this little girl, so in her element, so confident but still so concerned for the people around her that she loves and cares about. Magic. 

When it was time to sing to her, as I looked around and saw how happy she was and how loved she is, I found myself pleading, "Dear God, please let us be here again in five years.  Please let my little boy get here and allow us to enjoy the years leading up to it-preparing him to sit where she sits, basking in the love everyone has for him."  

You see, I am a parent full of flaws, sometimes flailing through the day just trying to make it to bedtime.  But I have to allow myself, like that day, to stop and take in the fact that I've got to be doing something right to have this kid be who she is.  I mean, don't get me wrong there is still plenty of time for me to screw her up and for her to become a real jerk, but I really believe that that last 2 year have shaped Kennedy into the person she is.  She cares for others in a deep way that seems like she is years older than she is.  She interprets feeling and situations that most adults overlook. 

She is loved for sure but, oh, does she love.  She is the reason to have kept going.  She is the glue for a broken heart.  She is the strength to begin again.

So it was a success.  Her actual birthday is 8 days away-we count down every night and double check in the morning.  Five years ago I impatiently counted down the days until she'd be here imagining how much I'd love her when she arrived.  I had no clue.