I love
Christmas. I really, truly do. I love the hustle and bustle of it
all; the shopping, the wrapping, the anticipation of the big day. I loved
it as a kid but as a parent, it’s so much more. I wait for Kennedy to
start talking about what she’ll ask for on her list, to start asking to
decorate the house and tree and reminding her that we have to wait for
Thanksgiving to finish up, and though I hate him so- I even love to watch the
magic that glazes over her eyes when Buddy, our elf, makes his way through our
house day after day. And this may seem like I am laying it on thick here,
but I feel so privileged to play Santa to my children and keep the magic alive
for them for as long as I can.
Honestly though these
last few weeks it’s felt a little overwhelming. I overextended myself,
committing to much more than I really had time for, and although it was filled
with decorating, an ugly sweater wine tour, cookie baking and exchanging, a gigantic gift-wrapping
party for needy families, family visits, and lots of smiles and laughing, it
has left me exhausted in all of the ways you can be. You see, keeping
busy for me this time of year serves as a wonderful distraction from what goes
on in my heart. The truth of it is no matter how many things I try to
fill the days with there is no getting around it, I feel sad.
I am so in love with
this sweet baby that it hurts sometimes, like there just isn’t enough space in
my chest for happiness he brings. But the firsts, oh the firsts.
They bring this intense duality of emotions; I want to take them in and
soak them up yet they sting. I realized
it as I sat on the couch holding him while he slept, something so simple and
basic: I feel so cheated. I feel cheated
out of those little moments with Jack. And it made me cry in a way I haven’t in
a long while. I expected things to be
complicated as we watch Carter reach all of these milestones and firsts but as
they are happening I guess I didn’t realize just how sad it would feel too. And
then, as it always does, the guilt and anger follows; guilt that I can’t just
simply focus on what is right in front of me and anger that even after all of the
sadness there could possibly be more to come.
It isn’t all sad though. About two weeks ago when I was changing this
little butterball I nuzzled his neck like I always do and he let out this
enormous, loud belly laugh. It was the
first one. The sound went right through
me but in the most amazing way-it was like all of the best things in life in
audio. I again felt overwhelmed by the
emotion that was with it. I remember
thinking, ‘that laugh had to have been sent to me, that is the sound this heart
has needed so badly these last almost-three years.’ And for a while my heart
felt so light, in a way it hasn’t in a very long time.
So as the days fly by
and we get closer and closer to Christmas I may have to stay focused on what I
love about it a little harder to keep the sadness that hovers at bay. I am bracing for stress that comes with the
last minutes touches, knowing that no matter how hard I try to be prepared
early there will be things I forget. And
I will have just as hard a time falling asleep on Christmas Eve as Kennedy,
knowing that the next morning she will be surprised to find out we will be
leaving for Disney World just six days later where we’ll take the chaos that
wraps us like a warm blanket on the road!
Remember to hug those
that hold sadness in their hearts this Christmas season a little tighter. Enjoy all of the magic that is in the air
around you and I wish you and your families a very Merry Christmas! xoxo
