What Should Have Beens

The last 3 months and 2 days I have operated in the ‘what should have been’ frame of mind.  It is a dangerous place to go.  It usually involves a lot of tears and sadness for a few days.  It is near impossible not to do at this point, as there is a rarely a moment of a day that I do not think of Jack.  And while it makes me sad, it allows me to continue on with the dreams I had had for him all along.

Occasionally, like this past weekend, the ‘what should have been’ scenarios don’t hurt so badly.  There are still plenty of tears but it’s with a smile, or appreciation of a situation or reminder.  Sean, Kennedy and I made a quick trip to Long Island for my nephew Mason’s first birthday.  Leading up to the party, as I helped my sister prepare, it was tough.  I love planning parties.  With Kennedy, I often get ridiculously carried away; hearing endlessly, “don’t go overboard, she’s only….” I was happy to help, it kept me busy, but while I was making a centerpiece, magnets, baking cupcakes, I couldn’t help thinking that I would never get to do this for my own little boy.  But, I decided that we were going to go and celebrate Mason, the beautiful little boy that allows me to hug him just a little too tightly and will rest his little head on my shoulder, as if he knows in his little heart that I need that.

Mason and my cousin’s baby Kallahan are laid back little dudes.  They are content to hang out and take in the rest of the chaos that a family party often brings.  As I watched them together, I thought to myself, they would have taken good care of their little cousin Jack.  He would most likely have had to work harder to keep up with the rest of the cousins, and I really feel like those little boys would have stayed back with him, following his pace, being true friends.  I may have been able to imagine that because the parents of these little boys have essentially “stayed behind” with me as I try to keep up with everyone else lately, but I really do believe that they will instill that in their kids as well. 

The “happy birthday” moment was a little rougher than I had anticipated, but I made it through with a quick pit-stop in the bathroom and my sister by my side to help me cry my eyes out and get back to the party.  I just kept thinking we would have been here before we knew it; time goes that fast with babies.

Back at my parent’s house we watched a one year old decide which were the “best” presents.  Kennedy and Mason’s brother, Cooper, trying to open everything (“we’re helping him!!”) had to be confined to another room so the poor kid could take his time with the tissue paper and actually enjoy the first big opening of presents he’s had. 

Yesterday morning, we all walked over to the park, Nana and Gramps, Sara and her family, and even little uncle Al came.  The kids loved it! Kennedy, Cooper and Mason had some fun too (we couldn’t help ourselves). 

Having been prepared to parent a child with special needs I’ve started noticing accessibility features in public more; shopping carts, those kinds of things.  At this particular state park they have 2 swings intended for children with special needs, both larger and smaller children that would offer more body support.  It made me feel both sad and grateful to see them.  It made me think about how there would have been a place for Jack at the park too, able to play with his cousins and sister.  

Watching Kennedy and Cooper play together and help each other to both fun and equally dangerous things, I laughed to myself and though he wouldn’t have been slowed down one iota; these little dare devils would have helps him find a way to do it all with them.  I love them even more for these happy reminders they give me of the little boy missing from this picture.   

So while I navigate my way through the ‘what should have beens’ I am trying my best to make sure I stop and appreciate the ‘what still is’.  As sad as I am, I have never lost sight of all that I have right in front of me, and they too serve as a happy reminder of Jack Holden Doyle.