Behind the Curtain

The Wizard of Oz knew what was up.  He had this whole land of everything beautiful and shiny, with all of these happy little people singing-it looked like a good setup albeit there was a witch hanging around making things messy here and there.  Now it’s only at the end that we see “The Great and Powerful Oz” for what he was, this bumbling, fumbling, frazzled guy behind the curtain trying to keep up the charade that he had all of his shit under control, a.k.a. he was just the parent of Oz.  Things behind the curtain didn’t look as pretty and his tough guy act melted away pretty quickly but it was real, man.  I had nine glorious days off from work for February break full of family visits, and friends, and plenty of behind the curtain moments. 

My cousin and his family rolled into town the first weekend for their yearly visit; I think we are on year five now.  We packed in a lot of fun stuff, which was well received by all of the kids, which, trust me, is a huge deal.  There was swimming, slides, sledding, and horses and a ton of smiles.  It was easy to revel in how much fun they were having and smile along with them.  Don’t be fooled by this rosy picture I’ve painted for you, friends.  Behind the curtain there were plenty of meltdowns, bickering, empty mom-threats, tears, time-outs, and words spoken through gritted parent-teeth.  The good far outweighed the bad and it was another visit that makes you look forward to the next one.

We tried to lay low for the few days we had in between the visit and the trip we had planned to go out to Boston to see our friends.  Of course plans being what they are, I ended up cleaning the whole house, top to bottom-floor trim and all, with the exception of our bedroom, which is like a vortex of disorder in an otherwise pretty orderly place. This was all in preparation for an interview with the local newspaper about Jack’s Herd and Jack’s story.  I was equal parts nervous and excited but I felt like the house looked good and we even managed to make it outside to enjoy the gorgeous, freak weather we got in February in the northeast.  Kindergarten paperwork showed up for Kennedy and I died a little.  As I snapped a picture of it to send to Sean, when I went back to look at it and saw her playing in the background, drawing on the driveway in chalk it was clear I am the only one that isn’t ready for this- my little one is not so little anymore.  The interview went great, until the photographer that came along wanted a picture that required us to be at the computer in our room and just like that, the curtain was pulled back and the chaos was exposed.  We were able to laugh it off, but my God that was mortifying.

Friday we made our way to our favorite city to see one of our favorite families.  We’ve always loved spending time with Jen and Andrew but now their little guy Oliver is just icing on the cake.  You could just mush him for days- those cheeks were made for kisses.  Every time Kennedy would groan, “He is adawww-wable,” we would laugh but whole-heartedly agree.  We again soaked up the still amazingly warm weather going to the parks sans coats-willing Mother Nature to give us more. We went to Disney on Ice’s “Dare to Dream” with the little lady, and since we’ve seen about 5 of these shows and consider ourselves connoisseurs of character themed ice-capades, I feel confident in telling you this was a good one.  As we made our way to our seats somehow was managed to sit in the right row but the wrong end.  We didn’t realize it until 15 minutes in.  We were right at the end of the “stage” and so every time the performers came in or out we could see them behind the curtain, quite literally.  So my kid would excitedly scream the characters name before they even came out for everyone else to see.  As I looked around I realized we were the only people that were that far over that didn’t work at the arena and so we check the seats against the tickets and made our way to our much better, closer to center-stage seats.  The excitement on her face literally made my eyes fill with tears (and this made me feel like my mother-in-law) and I’m pretty sure Sean’s eyes filled with tears as he repeatedly shelled out money for a light-up wand, cotton candy and the ridiculous Dory hat that came with it and everything else Kennedy “needed”-but when she genuinely thanked him and kissed his cheek I knew she could have gotten way more out of the guy.  It was a great weekend but behind the curtain there was four-year-old sassiness that was awfully embarrassing at times, a painful moment where a well-meaning stranger inquired about my kids and how many I had, and how old they were where I had to figure out how I could avoid the awkwardness and tears and yet still do right by Jack, and running through the park as the warm sky finally gave way to rain that Kennedy yelled at and blamed Sean for.

It’s messy behind the curtain, people.  The curtain comes in all different shapes: a smile, perfect Instagram photos that leave out the tears and refused “cheeses”, the clean house but terribly messy bedroom.  It’s ok to keep the curtain pulled but just don’t forget that after the wizard was exposed for what he was: an overwhelmed, exhausted guy just trying to keep the show going- he was able to slow down and breathe and actually get the job done. 

We’ve got a lot going on behind the curtain over here these days but that’s for another time.

Time? Where Did You Go?

Where does it go?  Seriously, I need to know.  Where does the time go?  I swear I was just obnoxiously talking about having seventeen days off and just like that I’m down to two; TWO!  I can remember rolling my eyes when people would say, “Time flies,” when I was a kid and now I feel like going back in time and letting them know the enormity of that understatement.  The On This Day feature on Facebook only further emphasizes this. What it shows me from two, three, five, EIGHT years ago some mornings, has me fact checking on my fingers to see if Facebook could be mistaken; I mean come on, I remember those things like they were yesterday.  Literally.  I know I sound like I’m flipping out.  And, truthfully, I think I am a little. How the hell can we be expected to take in all of the happenings and goings-on in our lives when they are taking place and are in the rear view mirror before we even fully wrap our heads and hearts around them?

You’d think with that being said, I would try and take it slow during the holidays so I could really soak it all up.  Come on, if you know me at all you know I take the exact opposite approach: Cram as much as I can into the days that a holiday-overloaded-four-and-a-half-year-old and husband will allow for.  

Christmas Eve brought us to my mother-in-law’s house.  Our yearly tradition of dinner and presents with them and my sister and her family is always fun.  The kids placated our request for pictures while outfits were relatively neat and hair was somewhat in place; eyes were open, smiles only looked half-forced-all-in-all not too shabby.  Presents were exchanged and ooh-and-ahhs were shared and the kids only asked if there were more gifts once or twice.  Dinner was delicious and the homemade Crème brûlée that I got to torch myself put me over the edge.  Everyone left happy, full, and ready for bed. 

Kennedy always goes to bed pretty quickly on Christmas Eve, unwilling to chance that Santa may pass over our house in favor of the neighbors whose kids probably go to bed at decent hours.  Sean and I set the stage as quickly as we can, creating “proof”, arranging gifts and me yelling at Santa to try and leave a few crumbs behind on the cookie plate for aesthetics.  But man, I tell ya, seven thirty came quickly.  From that moment on, she was an unstoppable force.  She first checked for the proof (she looks-I don’t go through all of that nonsense for nothin’), made sure Buddy packed it in and left with the Big Guy, and then checked out the goods.  She wanted Sean and I to have all of our presents first and then opted to open her stocking first.  And then, she noticed Jack’s stocking hadn’t been moved into the sunroom like everyone else’s and so she ran to check that.  When she came back angry and upset and said, “Santa left nothing for baby Jack! That’s terrible!”  I died inside a little bit thinking, “Shit, how do I fix this one?”  My other half was quick to notice my pause and say, “Well Santa brings your presents to where you live, and Jack lives in heaven so he brought all of his stuff there!”  She seemed to accept that but only after adding, “Yeah well, I could have opened them for him you know.”  Dually noted, Kennedy.  She was thrilled with everything, especially the "robo kitty" that she told me Santa knew she wanted (I assure you he did not) and would not forget to bring her (this thing does absolutely NOTHING in case you were wondering).  The only whine I heard was when she saw she had gotten jeans- we HATE jeans.  We played every single thing she got and by the grace of God managed to squeeze a nap in before round two.

After going to visit Jack’s special spot, I dried my face and tried to rally for my dinner and presents at my parent’s house, the first Christmas in their new home. Aside from when my child very rudely, and very clearly, proved you can have too many presents, the night went relatively smoothly, albeit full of people and loud voices.  We were all together for the first time in a long while and were able to get a picture of my parent’s and all six of their children.  I always try to prepare myself for the request for a picture with all of the grandchildren and steel myself against the feelings it elicits, but it never gets any easier.  And so, from behind my camera lens, I try to imagine where my little boy would have been placed, where he would have fit.  After that my emotions got the best of me and I knew it was time for me to pack it in for the night.  There is a fine line for me during the holidays between holding it together and coming apart at the seams and I was teetering that line in a big way. 

The next day I was beat and we lay low, but we were right back at it the next day with a play date and then a visit from Sean’s dad and stepmom.  Kennedy loves her some Glamma and Papa time.  Dinner, games, bowling, and hockey practice filled the time quickly and after they headed home, she was already asking what was next.  We were given a pretty good amount of snow-not so much that we couldn’t get around, but enough to make for some fun, and so we decided to give sledding a whirl.  My kid is an animal and couldn’t get enough.

A new aquarium opened up last month right near our house and so we decided to meet the new “neighbors”.  We met my mother, her friend and my niece, and my nephews and brother-in-law for a day out checking out the new digs.  The kids ate it up.  The part where they could touch everything without being yelled at was a huge hit, although I almost dropped dead when I saw Kennedy with her finger in her mouth after having her hands in the koi pond.  Needless to say we did not see eye to eye on the matter.  It was a great indoor activity and I think we will become great friends with the inhabitants this winter.

Though we had already made plans for New Year’s Eve, we have hosted at our house in the past and so decided to do a New Year’s Eve Eve pot luck last night with some friends.  I had to laugh at one point as I looked around and took in how much life has changed for us all since we met between five and seven years ago.  The night began at five thirty, very little alcohol was consumed, the house was full of baby bumps, little kids that have grown too fast, toddlers, and a new baby added to the mix a few weeks ago.  It may all look very different than it once did but it felt right, happy and it made me smile that we have all made room in our lives for the changes that have taken place in the years past.

New Year’s always fills me with a sense of anxiety.  People always talk about what the New Year will bring and are usually really excited about it.  It scares the hell out of me; for a person that likes to have a handle on everything-new is scary.  Having felt like I lost control over everything once before in the biggest way possible, not knowing what is around the corner terrifies me.  A lot of people had bones to pick with 2016, and while it wasn’t perfect, there was still a lot of good.  I can remember last year begging 2016 to be gentle with my heart.  While it may have flown by at a pace that made my head spin a bit, it did answer my plea.

Here’s to hoping 2017 follows suit.  Happy New Year, my friends.

Oh, and in a true Christmas miracle, my little brother found the penny.  If you own one of these-you know how rare a find that is!  May your new year be full of rare, precious finds! xo