How am I thankful? Let me count the ways

The thing about Thanksgiving is that, aside from the insane amount of home cooked food that is consumed, it asks people to stop for a few hours and take stock of all of the things that they have to be thankful for.  I'll be honest, I am a glass half empty kind of gal and so it's easier for me to bring to mind things that have not worked out so well, or worse.  And so I do my best to stop with everyone else and take in all I have to be thankful for:

7.          I am thankful to watch my parents love on their grandchildren. I have seen them smile more in the last 4 years than I can count and it fills my heart.

6.          As ridiculous as it sounds, and I know many of you will laugh at this, I am so thankful for our furry family members. My little girl loves them something fierce and as for me, Lennon is this furry little bundle of love that soothes my soul.  And Tucker, oh Tucker, even your ridiculously anxious and over the top reactions to absolutely everything make our home a little more complete.

5.          I am thankful for our friends.  I had always feared that after losing Jack, there would be casualties; people that just couldn't fit into our life as it is now, and there have been-and that had come with its own sort of heartbreak.  The idea of losing anyone after losing our son seems like salt on an open wound. And so, I thank God with every fiber of my being for the people in live that take us where we are at any given moment and love us anyway, never asking for more than we can give at the time.

4.          My siblings. I am thankful for these beings that have seen me at my worst, gotten me into and out of trouble, hugged and squeezed me when I've needed it most, and have made me laugh until the tears poured down my face and I've been gasping for air. Half of us have moved into the area and seeing them regularly breathes some youth back into my lungs on a regular basis.

3.          I'm thankful for Jack's Herd and what it is allowing me to do.  I am thankful that the people I love have helped me to build something for me to channel this great love I have for my son into. I am thankful that out of tragedy, something meaningful can grow.  We will nurture Jack's Herd with the love and careful attention we would have done with Jack himself.

2.          Sean. For this sweet man I am more thankful for than I can possibly put into words.   I have been able to make it through each day of the last 23 months solely because the love and patience he shows me has convinced me that I can.  If fate is real, and this is the path that I was destined to walk, the universe did me the ultimate act of kindness by sending Sean my way.

1.          And lastly, Kennedy. This one needs no words or explanation of my thankfulness but I will try and do my best.  My heart beats for this girl.  I look at her and listen to her talk, time slows and I think, "How will I ever repay this tiny, beautiful, little soul for all she gives me?" Each time she smiles at me or touches my face I am reminded how I have survived-her light wills me forward, allowing me to put the pieces of my life back together as best they can fit now. I am thankful for Kennedy in a way that takes my breath away.

And so, as you pile your plate full of whatever goodness is served up today, take a quick minute. Think of something or someone you are thankful for and tell them; show them. I, myself, do not stop often enough, take a step back and stop breathing in the chaos long enough to take in-really marinate in- all of the things I have to be thankful for.  The holidays make me sad now, there is no getting around that.  I cannot help but notice the empty chair that will always be there.  But I will tell you this though, my friends, gratitude goes a long way in healing a broken heart.

27,000 Thank You's

Anniversaries are interesting.  They mark all sorts of things in our minds and hearts.  With every passing day, month, and year they become more or less important.  Sometimes, depending on what the anniversary is representing, it is harder some years more than others. 

Today marks the one-year anniversary of an important day for me.  One year ago today, while my husband and little girl slept, I was restless.  I was spending yet another night replaying the days leading up to losing Jack over and over and so I got out of bed and made one of the most important decisions I have ever made.  I began to unburden my heart by writing about what was inside of it, good and bad, devastating, happy, any of it.  I began my blog. I called it Inhaling Chaos after a favorite poem of mine because that is what it felt like I was doing.  I was breathing chaos through my lungs but I knew I couldn’t keep that inside of me forever and so I decided that night to release it back out; I would try and put words to the hurt in the most honest way I could.

The words poured out of me, along with the tears.  With great big, heaving sobs, I told a love story.  It hurt in a way I can’t explain.  I wrote into the early hours of the next morning.  I had Sean read it, praying he would be alright with all of the details I'd shared that we hadn’t told anyone prior to then.  I pushed publish and let a few people know what I'd done.  The response was nothing I ever expected. And for there it grew.

Week by week I poured out my heart.  I let go a tiny bit of the pain with each post little by little my sense of humor started finding its way back into my words.  I was baffled by the hits that Inhaling Chaos counted.  I couldn’t believe anyone wanted to read what I had to say.  Truth be told, even if Sean was the only one to ever read my posts I’d write them still, because it has been a cathartic release I could never fully explain. 

One year later; 27,000 views later and I still have something to say.  Thank you.  Thank you for coming along on this journey with me, however sad it can be at times.  Thank you for encouraging me to continue looking at myself from angles I never knew existed.  Interestingly enough, when I write something, once I've put it out into the world, I rarely, if ever, re-read what I've written.  It’s like once I've freed it from my mind or my heart- I can’t bear to take it back in, and so I thank you for that as well. Thank you for helping me to shoulder some of the burdens that comes with the heart of the grieving parent.

Tomorrow will mark the day I first published my blog.  It will also mark the day that would have been Jack’s birthday.  I thought it would have been a less significant day after the first year but I suppose that was wishful thinking.  It was not his birthday though, that came and went on January 25^th, yet it was the birth of something else.  It was one of the very first moments I began to find myself again amidst the chaos. 

Thank you.