The Happiest Place on Earth

The holidays are a magical time in general.  Add Disney World to it and there are just no words.  Disney, as a kid, seems amazing; like all of your dreams are coming true in front of your little eyes.  But as a parent?  My God, it’s like a religious experience to give your children those moments.  Watching them smile the most genuine smiles to have ever crossed their mouths and the light that dances in their eyes watching the fireworks and meeting the characters that have filled their TV screens? It’s absolutely epic. 

Christmas (all three installments of it) was a whirlwind.  For the most part it was really great.  Christmas Eve at Sean’s mom’s house was great, though when we sat the kids down for their yearly jammie photo it just about killed me to see them so grown up, and made my heart simultaneously swell and break to see my baby boy in there with them but his big brother still missing.  The big reveal of our trip Christmas morning was absolutely amazing especially since Kennedy was more thrilled by the fact that Carter would go to Disney for his first time (mind you, this would be her first trip too!).  We caught it on camera and it was seriously the stuff Disney World commercials are made of.  The rest of the day went by alright except that I didn’t get to go visit Jack’s grave that day and the guilt took me under by the end of the day.  I felt like a terrible mother.  It was Christmas.  His brother and sister were given tons of gifts and smothered in love and kisses yet I couldn’t even get to him for a quick visit.  I was angry-at myself, Sean, the universe-whatever and whoever I could rage at; and so I cried myself to sleep. 

I woke up dead set that I would be there first thing.  We were. It was a frigid cold that went right through you and with the snow covering everything it reminded me of the day we had picked out his spot almost three years before.  Kennedy excitedly told her brother we were going to Disney World and he can come with us to watch.  My tears froze to my jacket.  The tiny Christmas tree I left and the five minutes I could bear the cold just didn’t feel like enough but it was all I could manage that day.

Her count down had begun and she was so excited it made me wish that we had told her sooner and at the same time thankful that we hadn’t since I threatened (empty-I know) that we wouldn’t go at least twelve times in six days; any longer between the telling and the going could have been disastrous.   We packed and prepped and hoped for good weather. 

We flew down early and made our way to the hotel to get checked in and to the park as quickly as we could.  The second we stepped off of the bus I thought we would all burst.  The magic in that place just spills itself all over you and you have no choice but to let it.  You are walking around suddenly feeling with all of your being that you too need a hat with ears on it; it’s that intoxicating. 

I was watching my little girl for those four days walk around with a smile on her face that left me with a very sobering realization: there has been a lot of life weighing heavy on her heart. She is so sensitive to emotion-especially mine-that it has obviously taken its toll on her.  She will hear me talking in another room and if she hears any change in my voice, come running and ask, “Mama, why does your voice sound sad?” It’s not fair, I know this.  I will spend my life trying to make up for inadvertently putting too much on her little shoulders when I was grieving.  She may not even know that it happened-but I do and looking at her smiling face broke my heart as it occurred to me: she hasn’t really smiled like that in a very long time. And my God, did she ever smile. 

The kid lives for a thrill.  She was all about roller coasters and I felt amazed by the daringness she showed, never hesitating to get on line for another and never showing any anxiety about the unknown.  She humored us and rode the “little kid rides” too with her brother and I but was clearly unimpressed. 

Each time she hugged a character or got their autograph she would shriek, “Best Christmas present ever!” And it really was, for her to go, and for us to watch it all unfold. 

And just as Kennedy had told him he could, Jack followed us to The Happiest Place on Earth.  It was as if he made his presence know to us over and over: from the elephants that popped up all over (I just about lost my mind when I saw the baby elephant surrounded by the herd), to the grown girl with Down syndrome that sat down to talk with my girl-who conversed with her like they were old friends-he was letting us know he was there too.  We were a family of five on vacation at The Happiest Place on Earth.  Even in the pouring rain you couldn’t deny the beauty of it (what a metaphor for us). 

And so as the pixie dust wears off and we settle back into the mortal world these photos and those moments will give me life. They will help carry me through the rough days ahead.  My little boy would have turned three this month.  Three.  How can that be?  My heart aches at that thought. And his baby brother, I suspect, knows this somehow; knows I need to hug him a little tighter, breathe his scent a little deeper and take in all of his baby goodness. 

This year will be all about deep breaths of chaos- magical, magical chaos.

Happy New Year!

The Feelings That Follow the Firsts

I love Christmas.  I really, truly do.  I love the hustle and bustle of it all; the shopping, the wrapping, the anticipation of the big day.  I loved it as a kid but as a parent, it’s so much more.  I wait for Kennedy to start talking about what she’ll ask for on her list, to start asking to decorate the house and tree and reminding her that we have to wait for Thanksgiving to finish up, and though I hate him so- I even love to watch the magic that glazes over her eyes when Buddy, our elf, makes his way through our house day after day.  And this may seem like I am laying it on thick here, but I feel so privileged to play Santa to my children and keep the magic alive for them for as long as I can. 

Honestly though these last few weeks it’s felt a little overwhelming.  I overextended myself, committing to much more than I really had time for, and although it was filled with decorating, an ugly sweater wine tour, cookie baking and exchanging, a gigantic gift-wrapping party for needy families, family visits, and lots of smiles and laughing, it has left me exhausted in all of the ways you can be.  You see, keeping busy for me this time of year serves as a wonderful distraction from what goes on in my heart.  The truth of it is no matter how many things I try to fill the days with there is no getting around it, I feel sad.

I am so in love with this sweet baby that it hurts sometimes, like there just isn’t enough space in my chest for happiness he brings.  But the firsts, oh the firsts.  They bring this intense duality of emotions; I want to take them in and soak them up yet they sting.  I realized it as I sat on the couch holding him while he slept, something so simple and basic: I feel so cheated.  I feel cheated out of those little moments with Jack. And it made me cry in a way I haven’t in a long while.  I expected things to be complicated as we watch Carter reach all of these milestones and firsts but as they are happening I guess I didn’t realize just how sad it would feel too. And then, as it always does, the guilt and anger follows; guilt that I can’t just simply focus on what is right in front of me and anger that even after all of the sadness there could possibly be more to come.  It isn’t all sad though. About two weeks ago when I was changing this little butterball I nuzzled his neck like I always do and he let out this enormous, loud belly laugh.  It was the first one.  The sound went right through me but in the most amazing way-it was like all of the best things in life in audio.  I again felt overwhelmed by the emotion that was with it.  I remember thinking, ‘that laugh had to have been sent to me, that is the sound this heart has needed so badly these last almost-three years.’ And for a while my heart felt so light, in a way it hasn’t in a very long time.

So as the days fly by and we get closer and closer to Christmas I may have to stay focused on what I love about it a little harder to keep the sadness that hovers at bay.  I am bracing for stress that comes with the last minutes touches, knowing that no matter how hard I try to be prepared early there will be things I forget.  And I will have just as hard a time falling asleep on Christmas Eve as Kennedy, knowing that the next morning she will be surprised to find out we will be leaving for Disney World just six days later where we’ll take the chaos that wraps us like a warm blanket on the road!

Remember to hug those that hold sadness in their hearts this Christmas season a little tighter.  Enjoy all of the magic that is in the air around you and I wish you and your families a very Merry Christmas! xoxo