Four

My sweet baby boy,

You would have been four today.  Now how can that be?  How can it have been that long?

I can still remember every single second of this day four years ago and the days before and after, the weight of you in my arms, every curve of your face, and the way your tiny hand felt in mine like it was just moments ago; my heart still aches like it was. 

The last few days have been hard.  I can’t help but run through everything over and over again.  I sometimes wish I could forget some of it; that it would dull around the edges even just a little bit.  Then there are other times I cling to those memories, praying that I remember every last detail; it’s all I have of you.  Or is it?

I have your dad, a man that loves in a way that makes it impossible not to believe in true love.  A man that loves his children so deeply that it stretches to the heavens.  You did that.

Then there is your sister.  She is empathetic, brave, and caring.  Kennedy is such a good big sister; she’d do anything to show how much she loves her brothers.  That’s you too.

And your baby brother; Carter has brought so much peace to our hearts- peace that, four years ago, I never thought we’d find again.  It’s in his quiet way with the larger than life personality that peeks through, or the way he hugs me tight before bed, that makes me believe you are in there too. 

I don’t know if you have to make wishes in heaven, but just in case you don’t, I have a few birthday wishes for you.   I wish for you to feel me with you, sweet boy, the part of me that left with you that day.   I wish for you to hear me sing each night to your brother and sister, because I am singing for you too.  I wish for you to feel the love that is being spread in your name through Jack’s Herd and feel proud of how profoundly your short, beautiful life has impacted so many others.  

Oh Jack, my heart hurts today and the tears won’t stop falling.  Your sister, upset and frustrated last night, told me we can’t celebrate your birthday without you, that it’s not right. She didn’t say it to upset me and I tried not to let on how bad it hurt but she wasn’t wrong.  This isn’t right; it wasn’t supposed to be this way.  I should be anxiously preparing a birthday party that I went overboard with, driving Daddy nuts with the details he thinks are silly, not worrying about picking the right flowers to leave by your spot today. But here we are.  

So today I will cry.  Today I will mourn all that was lost, and trust me, with each passing day with your brother and sister, we know just how much we lost of you four years ago. Today is the day for tears and tomorrow we will celebrate you.  

Kennedy made you cupcakes and blew out your candle and Carter ate it for you.  I heard her whisper in the kitchen, "I wished that we could come up to heaven and say hi to you on your birthday and then come back home."  I take more comfort than I expected in knowing you will celebrate with Papa this year.  Not too much ice cream; you Doyle boys tend to overdo it!  

Jack Holden, there is not a day that has passed where my heart does not call out for you.  I love you with every ounce of my heart.  Happy 4th Birthday, baby.

You are so loved and you are so missed.

All of my love,

Mommy

It's a ONEderful Life

Getting back to normal after the summer always proves difficult. It seems like in the summer months we settle into this laziness where every day may as well be a Saturday and our sense of urgency is nowhere to be found.  What’s for dinner? Who knows.  What are we doing today? No plans, really.  Didn’t get the to-do list done? Who cares-we’ll try tomorrow.  And so when it was time to get back to business with work and school it is all we can do to get our acts together and be up and ready to go on time and without coming apart at the seams.  On top of that my work schedule has changed and I am in early (and out early), leaving Sean to get the kids ready for the day. Throw in a first birthday party and you’d think it would be a recipe for a chaotic, epic disaster- at the very least a mama meltdown, right?  Normally, yes.  

However three weeks ago (I’m late-I get it-I told you we are trying to get our acts together!), for a lady that is usually her worst self right before a party, I was a pretty cool customer. There was no crying, and yelling (well except when my darling husband decided to weed-whack the overgrown garden thirty minutes before the party was starting.... listen, everyone has limits) and everything was ready to go before the first guests arrived.  Carter’s First Birthday Party had arrived and the fact of the matter is the whole world could have been crashing down around me and I don’t think I would have cared.  I was celebrating my sweet rainbow baby’s first birthday; my very own Harry Potter-the boy that lived.  There was nothing that could take away from the happiness that it was bringing me.

I had spent the weeks leading up to it planning all the little details-the ones I’m constantly reminded that the kids wouldn’t notice anyway. I think my hope is when they grown up and sift through the artifacts of our past they will see how much love I put into their celebrations.  That to me, their birthdays were so much more than cake and paper plates; that it was a day for me to try and reciprocate the joy they brought to me and their dad every other day of the year.  And so I glued sticks to frames, and moss to letters and all of the other little things that would turn the backyard into a little woodland party.  

And because I have some of the best family and most talented people to call my friends my big guy had delicious treats, a gorgeous cake and some of the cutest little cookies you ever did see.  

So many of the people that have followed along with Sean and I over the last year, sharing in the joy of becoming parents again after so much heartache; many of the people that have loved watching this baby boy grow over the last year and change our world for the better came to celebrate this happy day with us.  That was the part that meant everything.  These were the same people that stood by us in the darkness and have been there waiting patiently when we found the light again.  

Watching Carter follow around his big friends, and point to all of the things that blow his little mind, seeing him push his cake around but not into trying it, sitting with him and my grandma as she sang the same song to him she has sung to all of her grand and great-grandchildren: these were all of the moments I had felt so robbed of these last three and a half years; the secondary losses.  And so though I tried my damnedest to make this only about Carter, his big brother was never far from my mind, with my heart wishing I had gotten those moments with Jack too.  

There was one point where my sister was taking a photo of us, that this boy touched my face and looked at me square in the eye and all I could think was, ‘thank you.’  I don’t know who it was directed to, Carter- for being everything I needed so badly, Jack- for picking this little guy out for us, Sean-for giving us this beautiful life and hanging on unwaveringly while we made it through the worst of it, or maybe even the universe.  In any case, my heart was full of gratitude and love. 

My life will never feel perfect again, the naivety of that notion died with my first son, but there is a sense of peace in my heart again that has been missing for a long time; and it’s a pretty wonderful feeling. And I’ll take that any day of the year and twice on the day of a party.