Four

My sweet baby boy,

You would have been four today.  Now how can that be?  How can it have been that long?

I can still remember every single second of this day four years ago and the days before and after, the weight of you in my arms, every curve of your face, and the way your tiny hand felt in mine like it was just moments ago; my heart still aches like it was. 

The last few days have been hard.  I can’t help but run through everything over and over again.  I sometimes wish I could forget some of it; that it would dull around the edges even just a little bit.  Then there are other times I cling to those memories, praying that I remember every last detail; it’s all I have of you.  Or is it?

I have your dad, a man that loves in a way that makes it impossible not to believe in true love.  A man that loves his children so deeply that it stretches to the heavens.  You did that.

Then there is your sister.  She is empathetic, brave, and caring.  Kennedy is such a good big sister; she’d do anything to show how much she loves her brothers.  That’s you too.

And your baby brother; Carter has brought so much peace to our hearts- peace that, four years ago, I never thought we’d find again.  It’s in his quiet way with the larger than life personality that peeks through, or the way he hugs me tight before bed, that makes me believe you are in there too. 

I don’t know if you have to make wishes in heaven, but just in case you don’t, I have a few birthday wishes for you.   I wish for you to feel me with you, sweet boy, the part of me that left with you that day.   I wish for you to hear me sing each night to your brother and sister, because I am singing for you too.  I wish for you to feel the love that is being spread in your name through Jack’s Herd and feel proud of how profoundly your short, beautiful life has impacted so many others.  

Oh Jack, my heart hurts today and the tears won’t stop falling.  Your sister, upset and frustrated last night, told me we can’t celebrate your birthday without you, that it’s not right. She didn’t say it to upset me and I tried not to let on how bad it hurt but she wasn’t wrong.  This isn’t right; it wasn’t supposed to be this way.  I should be anxiously preparing a birthday party that I went overboard with, driving Daddy nuts with the details he thinks are silly, not worrying about picking the right flowers to leave by your spot today. But here we are.  

So today I will cry.  Today I will mourn all that was lost, and trust me, with each passing day with your brother and sister, we know just how much we lost of you four years ago. Today is the day for tears and tomorrow we will celebrate you.  

Kennedy made you cupcakes and blew out your candle and Carter ate it for you.  I heard her whisper in the kitchen, "I wished that we could come up to heaven and say hi to you on your birthday and then come back home."  I take more comfort than I expected in knowing you will celebrate with Papa this year.  Not too much ice cream; you Doyle boys tend to overdo it!  

Jack Holden, there is not a day that has passed where my heart does not call out for you.  I love you with every ounce of my heart.  Happy 4th Birthday, baby.

You are so loved and you are so missed.

All of my love,

Mommy

Recharging the Battery

This week was about me trying of recharge, emotionally.  Before I tell you why I needed to recharge, in case you aren’t in the mood to read all of my words or to possibly ugly cry, I will cut to the chase and tell you it didn’t happen.  I’m still spent and I’m headed into more chaos this weekend, but I digress.  

Sean and I, and our poor (mostly cooperative) children have been on a non-stop ride this month.  The fact that we are in the homestretch of May already blows my mind, yet here we are.  

My cousin got married on Cinco de Mayo on Long Island and it was all of the things.  A day filled with incredible small moments (I want to remember my baby girl putting makeup on my grandma as we were getting her ready until I draw my last breath), an enormous amount of love (there is literally nothing better than watching the groom see his girl walking down the aisle), a tremendous act of generosity and more fun than my aching feet could stand.  Needless to say it was a long car ride back up state.

My sweet girl turned SIX on the tenth and, you want to talk ugly crying?!  After being up late, cutting up about 10lbs of fruit for a fruit salad because “Mama, I want fruit salad for my birthday treat in school but not the kind they make at the grocery store-just the stuff I like” and munchkins don’t cut it for my girl, Facebook mercilessly provided me with a video of her newly-two-year-old self singing, “happy birthday to me,” and I was done.  It is all going too fast; so fast it sometimes takes my breath away.  Her birthday was kind of a rush deal, birthday waffles before school, cupcakes and a few gifts after and then back to school to show off her year’s work to her adoring audience of three.  

The weekend brought us to my little brother’s college graduation. It really, truly was a celebration. This boy committed to earning his bachelors degree and taught us all what grit looks like.  Six years later, a man held his head high and walked across the stage to receive is diploma, and then the little boy peeked through for a moment as he raised both of his hands overhead in celebratory fashion.  I couldn’t have been more proud of him. There was an undeniable stress I could feel building beneath the surface but I tried to force it from my mind.  We went to a nearby casino for a nice dinner and some fun and we really did enjoy ourselves; so much so that I almost forgot what the next day was.  Almost.

I went to bed with a hope in my heart that this year would feel different but from the moment I opened my eyes I knew that it wasn’t so. My heart felt heavy, like I couldn’t get myself going.  I tried to force myself to finish the weekend on a positive note but Mother’s Day is just a tough day for me.  I didn’t want it to feel that way this year.  I have an amazing girl that, though she is challenging and fiery, is becoming such a wonderful little human. I have a beautiful baby boy to hold in my arms and he has made my life so bright, brought a smile back to my face and I don’t know what words to use in order to best explain how grateful I am for him. But all of that does not change the fact that it doesn’t feel like enough; and that makes me feel guilty and unappreciative and so incredibly sad.  One of my children is gone, and on Mother’s Day I feel that so much more acutely. All I wanted to do was go to the cemetery and be with my boy.  I just wanted to have all of my kids together.  And so we went and Kennedy talked to Jack and told him, “Uncle Dyl is done with college!” and Carter sat in the grass and this beautiful man I am so lucky to still have by my side, asked if I wanted a picture with the kids. And he said it so effortlessly that it didn’t feel strange, and it was everything I needed.  I wanted this year to be different, and it was, but what I really want to feel different, I suspect never will.  It will always hurt that Jack is gone, especially on Mother’s Day.

So this week has flown by and dragged on at the same time.  I started it emotionally drained and I am ending it feeling like I have nothing left in my tank.  Something I was really hoping for didn’t work out and it really hit me hard.  I am feeling like I am going to have to let some of this emotion out sooner rather than later but there just isn’t any time.  There is a momentum propelling me forward and it is really the only thing getting me through this weekend.  Next up on the docket is Kennedy’s carnival birthday party and a quick work trip to Boston.

It’ll be next week before I can blink. And so as I said about four thousand words ago, I need to recharge.  Maybe next week?

A quick side note:  I sat with Carter in bed last night and he was “talking” and playing and all of the sudden he looked quickly over at the pictures of Jack on the wall in my room and he smiled a great, big, gummy smile.  I had all of the feels and all of the goose bumps.  I don’t know if it means anything but I’d like to think it does.