Finding the Smile

Things always seem to look a lot different the next time around.  It doesn’t really matter what exactly it is you’re comparing-a movie you watch more than once, a vacation you take, or your experience doing something.  Parenting is no exception.  You think you know what to expect because you’ve been there, done that.  Yeah, no, it doesn’t really work like that.

I feel like a new mom in so many ways. Five years is a long time to be “out of practice” when it comes to a newborn.  I got used to leaving the house sans diaper bag, running out the door quickly and efficiently.  I forgot how sweaty a mama can get trying to gather up all of the things and make it to the car-only to forget about four different things and make four separate trips back inside. I’m finding my rhythm but, man, I’d be lying if I didn’t say some days are exhausting.  And being responsible for more than one tiny, unpredictable human at once is no joke.  We’re making it work though-everyone is starting to find their groove which, in our busy, life is important.

The last few weeks have been full ones.  Doctor appointments for a baby that is growing like a weed, gymnastics, visits from the tooth fairy for not one but TWO lost teeth, ran races (Sean and Kennedy-not me!) and watched two badass mamas run a half marathon in the pouring rain!  On top of that Sean's mom had unexpected open-heart surgery (six bypasses!) but luckily she took it like a champ and did incredibly well.

And then there was the planning and preparing for the little man’s baptism.  We’d decided to baptize him early from the beginning.  Not because I believe in the idea of purgatory but because I figure if this baby boy could be watched over and protected by even just a smidgen more than he already is, we wanted it.  So we’d started planning this while I was still pregnant.  I wanted it to be perfect for so many reasons, the main one being that I needed this to be a happy day.  And it was: the party was at my favorite restaurant with our favorite people, delicious food, and an amazing cake (complete with his name misspelled that I-unknowingly- approved!).

But not matter how many people made the trip to town and how great the party the day before was, the next morning-even with the sun shining bright-there was a cloud hanging over my head.  The baptism day fell on the 18th anniversary of my Papa passing away and also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  As if that wasn’t enough, I couldn't help but think that the last baptism I was present for was Jack’s and it took place in a cold operating room, with me on my back desperately trying not to lose sight of my baby boy that would be leaving me at any moment.  And so I cried; hard.  And I let myself sob while Sean just hugged me.  And then I put my makeup on, dressed the two beautiful children I have with me here on earth and we made our way to church to celebrate this enormous light we now have in our lives.

It was a perfectly imperfect ceremony, complete with a crying baby that had an explosive poop midway through mass, a sweaty mama that was caught giving dagger eyes on camera taken by a five year old (seeing yourself through the eyes of a child is a humbling experience folks!) but it was everything I needed.  To be surrounded by our family and friends, people that were so happy and relieved that we found ourselves here again, was everything.  This boy is so very loved.

After everyone said their goodbyes we tried to spread some kindness in memory of Jack Holden for Jack's Herd's second annual Random Acts of Kindness Day.  We finished out the day at a candle light ceremony held by the Ohana Foundation and though I felt a sadness in my heart, I felt close to all three of my children.

Seven weeks have gone by and there is so much good in my life.  I am so lucky to have an amazing tribe that checks in on us regularly to see how we are doing.  My baby sleeps pretty damn good (making me feel bad for the us five years ago that were up every hour and didn’t know any better to be upset about that) and he’s a pretty happy (save for thirty hellish minutes every night!), chubby little guy.  His sister loves him in a fierce way that makes me fall in love with her even more in spite of her newly super-charged kindergarten ‘tude.  But even with all that good stuff going on there is still many times where I find myself staring down at this beautiful boy, almost unable to breathe and wondering how on earth we ever survived having to give his big brother back.  How am I still here after that?  How did I hold that baby in my arms and then give him back to a nurse, never to see him again?  Even after having done it, it seems unimaginable to me, especially when I hold this boy close to my heart and feel his little chest rise and fall.  And yet, here we are- still here and moving forward.  Even broken hearts can heal.

And this picture here?  The smile on that girl’s face is the kind of genuine smile that hasn’t shown up in a very long time, and trust me I've been looking for it.   Looking at it breaks my heart a little because I didn’t think I’d ever see her again but when I saw it the relief washed over me; it’s proof that no matter how terrible a turn life can take, and how bumpy and winding the road is, you will find joy again when you keep moving down it; you'll find the smile.

A Labor of Love

Photo credit: Jennifer Pondillo Photography

Rule number one in my book as a first time expectant mother:  Do NOT listen to anyone else’s “birth story”.  It will only scare you and make you feel like the plans you had for your own baby’s delivery are impossible.  But, if you must ask about their experience just know this-every single birth is different.  Every. Single. One.  Even when you have had multiple kids- their entrance into this world will have been different in it’s own way.  My own three babies were certainly no exception.

Kennedy Egan’s was filled with waiting past the due date, back labor, lots of pushing and not a lot of action and then an emergency C-section that brought us a 7 lb. 2 oz. and 22 ½ in. baby girl and me a whopping spinal headache that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. 

Jack Holden’s was filled with a very early arrival, and even earlier departure and more tears than any parent should ever shed in their lifetimes.  He was tiny, yet at 4 lbs. 9 oz. and 14 in. at only thirty weeks- still a pretty big boy.  He came into the world quietly, only tiny little noises before he left us, and had us shell-shocked for over a year trying to figure out how we’d ever move forward.  But I have to believe that this boy guided us through it from above to bring us to the place we arrived to just three weeks ago. 

And so here we are.  Three weeks later and I think I’m ready to peel myself away from him long enough to introduce you all to Carter Fitzgerald.  The boy that tricked me twice into thinking he was coming.  The boy that, although I was terrified to carry, knew this would be it for us, and so at the time was sad to no longer have him nestled under my heart.

The days before his scheduled arrival Sean and I tried our best to soak up the last moments of Kennedy alone.  They were long days, but I knew I’d never get them back- and more than that, she’d never get them back.  The resounding sentiment though was that we were all so excited.  The day before he arrived and Sean’s dad and step-mom had come up from North Carolina, Kennedy decided she’d spend the night at Sean’s mom’s house, and my parents had just returned from the family beach trip.  Everyone was where they were supposed to be.  We ate a nice hot, home cooked meal together, laughing that it could be the last one for a long while and decided to try and go to sleep early-you know, so we wouldn’t be tired?  Go ahead, you can laugh. 

I had been having contractions pretty much always but decided I was just ignoring them because I would be the girl who cried labor no more.  Well by three in the morning it was a little too much to ignore but since I was scheduled to arrive at the hospital until six I took a bath instead (imagine how they talk about how small the tanks at Sea World are for the poor whales…), then a shower and was ready to go by 4:30am.  I finally woke Sean up and told him it was time to get moving.  We left the house at five and were at the hospital at 5:30 and getting checked in.  As soon as I was hooked up to the monitors-it was evident the contractions were real and of course this boy decided to start moving things along then, the day he was planned for.  I kept whining at poor Sean that ‘I thought that the whole point of the “schedule” was to avoid all of this’.  He just kept smiling at me and then put on the paper suit and waited.  And I waited.  And then finally my amazing doctor, who it become very clear fibbed about being “on call” and called in favors to deliver this baby on a holiday so we could be home in time to put our little girl on the school bus four days later, arrived and said it was go time.

As I walked to the delivery room with the nurses to begin the spinal, Sean gave me a kiss and said he’d be right behind me.  The second I entered the OR though it got a little ugly.  I was on high alert; I could barely follow the anesthesiologist’s directions but it got done they laid me down and the full panic set it.  I was having horrible flashbacks to Philadelphia, the lights, the sounds, all of it.  My heart was pounding so hard it was setting alarms off and led them to giving me oxygen.  The doctor popped his head around the drape and said, “Sean is coming in now and I am going to have this baby to you in ten minutes.”  And he did.  The second he was out and I heard his little scream, I could breathe again.  To say I was relieved will never do it justice.  I cried- hard; and for a lot of different reasons.  Everyone got a chuckle over how big Cater was:  9lbs. 9oz. and 21.5 in.  Everything else moved along without issue but truth-be-told I wouldn’t have noticed if it were otherwise.  I couldn’t take my eyes off of that boy. 

A few hours later, the most beautiful thing happened.  Kennedy came to meet her brother-the boy who lived.  Her face just about undid me.  She fell in love hard.  And even on the high of this new baby when a nurse said, “ Oh, you’re a big sister now!” my baby girl, who looked so old and sounded so wise, simply said, without ever taking her eyes off of her baby, “I was already a big sister.”  And in that moment, I knew. I knew we could make it all work.  The five of us-as unconventional a family as it may be, we are still a party of five.

I spent my last night there alone with Carter, since Sean had to take Kennedy to meet her teacher, drop off her supplies, and practice the school bus, but they came to get me right after.  I couldn’t wait to leave.  I couldn’t wait to walk out of the hospital’s doors with a baby in my arms; I needed the experience so badly.  And, again, came the relief. 

And then we were home.  And, I couldn’t believe my eyes when it happened, but after the rain that came later that day, hand-to-God: a rainbow appeared.  And so I cried; I cried very happy with a hint of very sad tears.  Jack was welcoming his baby brother home too.

The next morning came quickly.  There was a lot of excitement from the little lady ready to embark on her kindergarten adventure and a lot of nerves for the mama not quite ready to hand her baby off to perfect strangers.  I held it together as I stood in the driveway watching one baby board the school bus, barely looking back, with another tucked in my arms.  Once the bus pulled away, the tears flowed.  She returned elated that day and so we called it a win. 

I don’t want to paint it all as perfect though.  Emotionally I feel much better than I ever expected; I feel pretty great in fact.   But I am scared a lot too.  I’ve brought this guy to the doctor twice already and worry a lot more than I ever did about small things with Kennedy.  I can’t help it.  It’s like my heart and all of the ache it’s been through can't fathom that things are ok; that things are different this time.   I am trying to be easy on myself, to not get too inside of my own head and enjoy every minute of this.

Photo credit: Jennifer Pondillo Photography

Photo credit: Jennifer Pondillo Photography

Photo credit: Jennifer Pondillo Photography

Photo credit: Jennifer Pondillo Photography

The last three weeks have been somewhat of a blur.  Lots of snuggles, a surprising amount of sleep, lots of visitors, our first brush with a sick sibling and having to keep them separated (so not easy), the little man packing on the lbs. (we’re up to eleven as of this morning!) and hours staring at this little boy-one that, two years ago, I never would have thought would be here. 

Photo credit: Jennifer Pondillo Photography