Riding the Waves

I remember the weeks following Jack’s death coming across something I’d found on Pinterest about grief that, at the time, spoke to me and made a lot of sense.   It said, “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves, ebbing and flowing.  Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it’s overwhelming.  All we can do is learn to swim.” 

It’s been a good long while since my last post.  Just about a month.  I wrote on Jack’s birthday, like I have the two previous years before, because I feel like I owe that to him but after that I just didn’t have any steam in my tank to keep it going.  The truth is I’ve just felt sad.  I let myself get bogged down in some of the sadness and rather than stopping to acknowledge it, I’ve been plowing ahead and it caught up to me.  Don’t get me wrong, there has been a lot of really amazing stuff peppered in there but I haven’t been all in on the experience part.  I’ve been distracted by my heavy heart. 

My girl is so full of life that it radiates off of her but it can be exhausting trying to mirror the excitement she’s looking for after coming home from work.  A career I used to love has shifted into job-something that pays the bills-but also uses most of my patience and so I find myself digging at the bottom of the barrel to muster some for a girl that deserves so much more than that.  God love her though, she’ll call me out and let me know when I could be doing better and forgive me when it’s the best I’ve got.  As tired as this heart has been, she jump-starts it when she asks me to climb in bed with her and sing her her song before she falls to sleep. 

And then there’s the boy.  This sweet, sweet baby boy.  My God, he makes life sweeter, with his big, gorgeous, blue eyes that dance when he gets excited and his chubby cheeks that he lets me smother with kisses.  But with every morsel of goodness comes a pang of sadness as I realize over and over again what we really lost that day his big brother died.  But I breathe him in as deeply as I can, knowing how lucky I am to have been given this little love to pour my heart into. 

Through the fog of sadness there were still some really bright spots. A Valentine’s Dance for Kennedy and Daddy, lots of snuggles, snow days, our annual visit from cousins filled with fun and firsts. 

One of those firsts was Carter’s first sickness.  A high fever meant sleepless nights for me, where a heightened sense of fear had me standing over his crib to make sure he was breathing. And as I stood watching his chest rise and fall I found myself begging God to make me stop being so afraid; to stop being afraid that this baby boy could be taken from me too.  It ended up being an ear infection that put my happy little guy out of sorts and stopped us from making our visit we’d planned to Boston to see my best friend.  He’s slowing getting back to himself and my fears are dulling around the edges.

It’s planning mode now.  Trying to get everything in order and stay upbeat preparing for Jack’s Herd’s Second Annual Cocktail Party and Silent Auction.  I try to remind myself not to be sad while doing this; that this is how we help celebrate our first boy’s legacy.  I know when the stress passes I will find my footing again, and hopefully that’s in time to enjoy a wonderful night.

You see that quote I mentioned before about waves and grief has a ring of truth to it.  Over these last three years though I’ve learned something that takes the whole ocean smile a little further.  Grief is more like a rip tide.  It can come on strong and quick and sometimes out of nowhere.  As a little kid, spending loads of time at the beach, my dad used to warn us if we ever got caught in a rip tide, not to fight against it, that it could exhaust you causing you to drown.  Instead swim parallel to the shore until you are free.  So my grief, I’ve stopped fighting against it, I swim with it and change my direction to get free of it.  It took me a few years to figure out that if I fight against this sadness it will overtake me.  I have to respect my hearts need to feel what it feels and to give it the time to call out to the little boy that took part of it with him. 

Finding the Smile

Things always seem to look a lot different the next time around.  It doesn’t really matter what exactly it is you’re comparing-a movie you watch more than once, a vacation you take, or your experience doing something.  Parenting is no exception.  You think you know what to expect because you’ve been there, done that.  Yeah, no, it doesn’t really work like that.

I feel like a new mom in so many ways. Five years is a long time to be “out of practice” when it comes to a newborn.  I got used to leaving the house sans diaper bag, running out the door quickly and efficiently.  I forgot how sweaty a mama can get trying to gather up all of the things and make it to the car-only to forget about four different things and make four separate trips back inside. I’m finding my rhythm but, man, I’d be lying if I didn’t say some days are exhausting.  And being responsible for more than one tiny, unpredictable human at once is no joke.  We’re making it work though-everyone is starting to find their groove which, in our busy, life is important.

The last few weeks have been full ones.  Doctor appointments for a baby that is growing like a weed, gymnastics, visits from the tooth fairy for not one but TWO lost teeth, ran races (Sean and Kennedy-not me!) and watched two badass mamas run a half marathon in the pouring rain!  On top of that Sean's mom had unexpected open-heart surgery (six bypasses!) but luckily she took it like a champ and did incredibly well.

And then there was the planning and preparing for the little man’s baptism.  We’d decided to baptize him early from the beginning.  Not because I believe in the idea of purgatory but because I figure if this baby boy could be watched over and protected by even just a smidgen more than he already is, we wanted it.  So we’d started planning this while I was still pregnant.  I wanted it to be perfect for so many reasons, the main one being that I needed this to be a happy day.  And it was: the party was at my favorite restaurant with our favorite people, delicious food, and an amazing cake (complete with his name misspelled that I-unknowingly- approved!).

But not matter how many people made the trip to town and how great the party the day before was, the next morning-even with the sun shining bright-there was a cloud hanging over my head.  The baptism day fell on the 18th anniversary of my Papa passing away and also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  As if that wasn’t enough, I couldn't help but think that the last baptism I was present for was Jack’s and it took place in a cold operating room, with me on my back desperately trying not to lose sight of my baby boy that would be leaving me at any moment.  And so I cried; hard.  And I let myself sob while Sean just hugged me.  And then I put my makeup on, dressed the two beautiful children I have with me here on earth and we made our way to church to celebrate this enormous light we now have in our lives.

It was a perfectly imperfect ceremony, complete with a crying baby that had an explosive poop midway through mass, a sweaty mama that was caught giving dagger eyes on camera taken by a five year old (seeing yourself through the eyes of a child is a humbling experience folks!) but it was everything I needed.  To be surrounded by our family and friends, people that were so happy and relieved that we found ourselves here again, was everything.  This boy is so very loved.

After everyone said their goodbyes we tried to spread some kindness in memory of Jack Holden for Jack's Herd's second annual Random Acts of Kindness Day.  We finished out the day at a candle light ceremony held by the Ohana Foundation and though I felt a sadness in my heart, I felt close to all three of my children.

Seven weeks have gone by and there is so much good in my life.  I am so lucky to have an amazing tribe that checks in on us regularly to see how we are doing.  My baby sleeps pretty damn good (making me feel bad for the us five years ago that were up every hour and didn’t know any better to be upset about that) and he’s a pretty happy (save for thirty hellish minutes every night!), chubby little guy.  His sister loves him in a fierce way that makes me fall in love with her even more in spite of her newly super-charged kindergarten ‘tude.  But even with all that good stuff going on there is still many times where I find myself staring down at this beautiful boy, almost unable to breathe and wondering how on earth we ever survived having to give his big brother back.  How am I still here after that?  How did I hold that baby in my arms and then give him back to a nurse, never to see him again?  Even after having done it, it seems unimaginable to me, especially when I hold this boy close to my heart and feel his little chest rise and fall.  And yet, here we are- still here and moving forward.  Even broken hearts can heal.

And this picture here?  The smile on that girl’s face is the kind of genuine smile that hasn’t shown up in a very long time, and trust me I've been looking for it.   Looking at it breaks my heart a little because I didn’t think I’d ever see her again but when I saw it the relief washed over me; it’s proof that no matter how terrible a turn life can take, and how bumpy and winding the road is, you will find joy again when you keep moving down it; you'll find the smile.