Inhaling Chaos : A Father's Love

A father’s love comes in all shapes and sizes. It manifests itself in so many and sometimes even strange ways- talking to friends and family members over the years that became very clear to me. I could find their father’s love for them in the stories they’ve told me, even those ones that didn’t paint dear old dad in the best light. Even when I think back to times when my dad and me butted heads during the teenage years, as a parent now, I can find the love that was present if I look hard enough. Some dads hug and kiss their kids non-stop. Others stand on the sidelines at countless sporting events no matter the weather. Other dads yell at their kids to remember to change the oil in their car or teach them to change a tire. Some dads are a healthy mix of all of that and more. My children? They are some of the lucky ones that hit the jackpot when it comes to fathers. Sean and I made out pretty damn good too.

Friday night I had made plans with some girlfriends and wasn’t going to be around for dinner. Sean decided he was going to make some chicken parm for dinner, making the sauce and frying the cutlets before I’d left; already I was impressed because if he’s not going to be around for dinner I usually pour Kennedy and I a bowl of cereal and call it a night. While I was out I happened to check my phone and saw he’d tagged me in a picture he’d posted on Instagram. When I saw it I remembered why I love this man so much. He gotten himself and Kennedy all dressed up and they had a candlelight dinner, complete with a glass of wine and Capri Sun. He’s that kind of dad.

I think because of his easygoing disposition it is sometimes easy to forget that Sean has a broken heart too. Though it often looks different for him than it does me, it’s got some cracks in it just the same. This has to be the case for most dads in a similar position to Sean’s. So today, though I woke up with a heavy heart, I vowed to myself that today would be about Sean. We’d celebrate him being a daddy, however that would look this year.

So how did that look for Sean? What does the first Father’s Day of a grieving dad look like? Something like this:

- -Waking up before me to feed the dog and let him out, stopping in Kennedy’s room to turn on some Disney Jr. for her and came back to bed (I was already kicking myself here that I hadn’t gotten up first).

- -Smiling when Kennedy came into bed with us and forced her way into the middle because she wanted to lay next to daddy, who she told, unprompted, was her best friend.

- - Showing the perfect amount of excitement to thrill our little girl who excitedly gave the Father’s Day cards we’d picked out.

- -Cleaning up an ENTIRE bowl of spilled cereal and milk from the coffee table without grumbling once (he had me beat here too).

- -Taking care to pick out his clothes for brunch and planning what time we’d leave the house in order to have enough time make the stops we needed to before our reservation.

- -Standing next to me, rubbing my back as I cried, at the cemetery asking what I though Jack would be able to do at this point if he were here still. We both liked to think he’d smile a lot.

- -Stopping at a Target no where near our house so we could pick up a 4^th curtain panel even though it killed him to spend so much on curtains when he wanted to leave the window open and bright.

- -Sitting at the table at the restaurant with a smile on his face even though I was so annoyed no one had come by to ask if we’d wanted a drink after sitting for over 10 minutes.

- -Never complaining about how hot and humid it was to be sitting outside when that is all I could do, even if I was the one who had asked to be seated out there.

- -Allowing Kennedy to sit on his lap even though she’s a little hotbox that has to increase one’s body temperature by at least 10 degrees.

- - Pointing out a robin’s nest to Kennedy that was made inside her favorite horse sculpture at the restaurant even though it forced us to stand there longer than he’d probably wanted to.

- -Patiently standing as I took picture after picture, trying to get at least one of him and our little girl who was opting not to cooperate today.

It went on like this all day. The point is what did Sean’s first Father’s Day as a grieving father look like? Much the same as any other day looks. He manages to continue on being the loving, patient, and consistent father and husband he always has been despite the loss he’s endured. And try as I might to make things about him, he is happy when his girls are happy and he spends his days trying to make sure we are.

Happy Father’s Day to the boy I fell in love with 12 years ago that became the daddy to a beautiful, bossy little girl and a man our baby boy can look down upon and be proud of.