Her Father's Daughter

There are times when I’ve been told that I remind people of my father.  Now granted, they have generally been when I am driving in traffic or in a confrontational situation but what can I tell you, it’s the Italian in my blood, we get worked up.  The other thing I hear far more often is that Kennedy is a “mini-me”.  People say she acts like me, looks like me, speaks like me.  Sometimes I feel bad for the poor kid and other times I think to myself it’s not all bad.  But this past weekend all I saw was a mini version of Sean.  She is definitely her father’s daughter.

Sean and I have been to two weddings in the last 2 weeks.  We have two more this summer.  Now there is nothing, and I mean nothing, my husband loves more than a wedding.  I don’t know if it’s the open bar or dancing he loves more but suffice it to say wedding season is his favorite time of year.  Generally I really love going to weddings also, more for the dressing up/dancing combo but in any case we tend to enjoy ourselves. 

In the last four months there have been certain situations where I am fully prepared to have emotional reactions; being out and hearing an infant crying, going back to the OB/GYN office, seeing a toddler with their baby brother or sister, etc.  It’s the times I am not expecting to feel sad that seem to send me for the biggest loop.  One of those times happened last weekend, at the first wedding.  At the church while the couple was exchanging vows I got a little emotional when the priest spoke of “good times and bad” and I thought of how when the same words were spoken at our wedding five years ago I never dreamed they could get as bad as they have this year and it just put another tiny crack in my heart.  I was so happy for them as they shared their first dance and smiled at each other as if no one else were in the room with them, and I just wished that Sean and I could go back to being that happy again even if for just a second.  I know eventually we will feel happy again, everyone tells me over and over and over again, but it will have to be a different version because what has happened in our life together can never be undone.

 And while the smile on my face may have faded a bit the love I feel for this guy hasn’t a bit, if anything I love him more than that moment we took our first spin as husband and wife.  The past weekend solidified that as I watched Sean and the little girl that holds both of our hearts danced the night away in their Sunday best.

I watched Kennedy, who was more her father than I have ever seen, have the time of her little life.  She couldn’t wait to get out on the dance floor, asking while the speeches were made, “Is it my turn to dance yet?!”  When she could wait no longer she got her groove on next to our table not noticing or caring at the people giggling around her.  The only thing I can equate her dance moves to is Seinfeld’s Elaine.  It’s just that majestic and a quality she shares with daddy.   She didn’t stop all night, except to get some air outside and wipe her sweaty brow with her skinny little arm.  She just kept giggling and saying, “I love a wedding, Mommy!”

If there is one thing I can say about this Doyle pair it’s that they are comfortable in their own skin.  While that is something I used to feel like was true for me as well, as of late it’s not always the case so I am so glad she seems to be absorbing this easiness Sean has always had about him.  The way she always looks to make other kids feel comfortable is something I’ve always loved about Sean.  The way she could talk a total stranger’s ear off about something they know nothing about is something I giggle internally about Sean.  People love them.  This weekend, watching them, it was obvious why. 

 The next morning at the hotel the two of them put on their bathing suits, told me I was no fun more than once, and swam the little one to the point of hopeful exhaustion for our 4 ½ car ride that was ahead of us.  They both took enjoyment in scaring Kennedy’s poor Baba as she went under the water and made her way around the pool in water that was well above her head.  They made faces when I asked them to smile and would both look away when I was attempting to capture a good shot.  Partner’s in crime.

And so, once more this family that I’m so aware I am fortunate to have, kept me going another day.  I sometimes look at pictures of the 3 of us taken since Jack died and feel sad because I focus on who is missing from it, or that I look sad.  I have decided that going forward, I will look at pictures of our family and see a love that has endured a great loss; I will see fighters, survivors.  I always hope that Kennedy has gotten all of the best parts of both of us, inside and out, but lets hope it’s a 51%-49% split, in her father’s favor.

Pretty, weekend side note: my peonies bloomed!