What "Thankful" Looked Like

We made it through our first major holiday without Jack.  There were moments where it felt like just barely, but even so we made it through.   I read that on Pinterest before leaving my house Thursday morning to head to Long Island for dinner and decided I'd try and let myself off the hook if I could; easier thought than done.  So, I have to admit to feeling relieved when my uncle announced that the prayer my family has always said before Thanksgiving dinner for my entire life had been eaten by my aunt's dog.  You see, there is a line in it that asks that no chair be empty the following year and so I was literally bracing for impact but the line was never spoken.  The version that he had found online left it out and so be quite honest I was alright with that.  I didn't need to hear the words to feel them in my soul, that someone was missing and always would be.  Thankfully I was sitting next to my cousin that has a sense of humor and a glass of wine as full as my own and I made it through dinner.

I often find myself unable to sit still when I am around a lot of my family at one time.  Its almost as if I can feel their concern radiating off of them and I get anxious about being asked how I am doing, not being able to deliver a convincing lie and in turn upsetting anyone.  Sean thinks I read into everything too much, who knows.  In any case, I busied myself snapping some photos, getting a few good ones. 

I swear, they were babies yesterday and now if someone told me they were 15 I would probably believe them

This is the first holiday my aunt was able to spend in her home since Super Storm Sandy ravaged their house, the renovations completed only this past May.

My dad insists on growing a "Santa" beard every holiday season- this little guy got a kick out of it

I consider myself pretty damn lucky to be able to have another great photo of three generations of "Patricia" and 4 generations of women.  I love all three of them something fierce. 

Doing what the men do best after the big dinner

Aside from the beautiful, genuine smiles, the best thing about this picture is what is happening in the mirror behind them!

We took Kennedy to see Disney's new movie, "The Good Dinosaur," with my mom and dad.  Typical of a Disney flick, adults are crying like 5 minutes in, and me more so as the little dinosaur who is born smaller, and a bit clumsier and less coordinated than his siblings is loved by his papa in that unconditional way I was prepared to love my boy.  Without giving away too much, someone dies and though to most little kids it may not have been totally cleared the fate of this character, my little bug says, "He got died?! Like Jack Holden?" It felt like all of the air was being sucked out of the theatre and I could feel my mom looking at me trying to gauge my response.  I just kissed her head, wiped my tears, reached for Sean's hand and looked straight ahead.  This is what life will look and sound like, I suppose, until my little girl can wrap her head around this.  The movie was cute and was a nice little break from my Black Friday shopping. 

I got my favorite Long Island lunch in (I mean really, why on Earth are there not hot dog trucks everywhere?  It's ludicrous), said goodbye to my childhood home one last time, and we made our way home after a long weekend home with some of the people we love best.

 I wanted to take a car selfie for fun....this guy

Never before has it been that my Christmas shopping is done before my decorating is so about 3 minutes after we pulled in the driveway I became a whirling dervish of holiday madness.  If I could have forced Sean up the ladder to get the lights on the roof I would have, but I guess they can wait another day or two.  

I feel like I did right by the mantle this year

A Christmas Around the World oldie but goodie past on to Sean and me 

This little bastard is the bane of my holiday existence but he makes the kid smile so I digress

She told me this was a party and everyone was going...

This apparently included the Russian bird, Ariel, and snowman conductor...very exclusive guest list

A little tree of her own

Next up, the tree and a lot of deep breaths to make it through this next one.....hopefully a little of this can find its way inside my home and my heart this holiday season: 

Thankful

What are you most thankful for?  A question that is posed every year in so many different forums: school, church, around the family dinner table.  It is a question that is so basic and yet so complex.  This time of year is a time for taking a moment to take in all that a person has, has been given, the people in their lives, and show gratitude for it.  Sean and I try to make sure that we are teaching Kennedy to show her thanks and smile every time she says, “Tanks,” without being prompted and that she is perceptive enough to know the appropriate times to express her thanks to someone.  It is so important to me, as her mom, to make sure this year I am demonstrating what thankful looks like, because, if I am being honest, my broken heart sometimes makes it difficult to remember I still have so much to be thankful for in this life.

I am dreading the holidays in a way I can’t really explain.  As I pass the ‘Mommy’s Little Gobbler’ bibs and adorable Christmas outfits made to make baby boys look like tiny, grown men, I literally have to press my lips shut so I don’t scream or sob.  How am I supposed to get through what should have been Jack’s first holidays without him?  I will have to work twice as hard as I usually do to make sure I hold myself together and to make sure Kennedy doesn’t pick up on any sadness in my eyes and can enjoy the days for what they are.  I have to figure out how to design a Christmas card where both of my babies are represented though only one of them will be shown on it.  It isn’t fair.  At all.  How can this be the way my life has played out this year?  And more than that, how can I be thankful for it?

Well for starters, I am thankful for all of doctors, nurses, psychologists, and therapists that have worked with my family and me before and after we lost Jack.  It is certainly not anything I discuss often but these groups of people continue to check in on us more often than I ever expected and I could never thank them enough for the wonderful care we received and continue to receive.  I wish I never had to meet most of them, and that fate never brought us together, but it did and I am grateful to them.

I am thankful to my parents, both Sean’s and my own, for going against every instinct a parent possesses and letting me and Sean grieve the way we need to, never pushing or questioning the choices we have made over the last ten months.  I pray to God Sean and I never have to endure watching one of our own children hurt the way our parents have had to do but if there ever comes a day, these six people have shown us how to love and support them while always keeping in mind you can’t fix everything for your kids.

My siblings; all of them.  They are the people that will still laugh at me and with me, but need no explanation if I go quiet.  They hold no expectations of me, as they have seen me at my very worst and most broken.  They have taken care of me, and let me take care of them when they know I need it.  They call me, no matter how many times my voicemail picks up, they call to let me know they are still there; that even though the rest of the world has kept moving they still stand next to me and walk with me as I move slowly. 

I am so grateful to and thankful for my friends, extended family, and coworkers.  I say this without an ounce of over-dramatization; I would not have survived this year without them.  They have been so loving, patient, supportive, and protective of me and my family and I know how fortunate I am to have them in our lives.  I will spend my life trying to be the kind of person for them that they have been to me but am certain I will never be able to match it. 

There have been times when well-meaning people will say something to the effect of how thankful I must be for Kennedy after losing Jack.  Well I am.  And, while in some ways more so since Jack died, I have always been.  She has taught me more about unconditional love than I even thought possible.  She has shown me how to be resilient and determined, reminds me to be patient and polite.  She is, quite literally, my reason for getting out of bed everyday.  I sometimes feel so selfish about how heavily I have relied on her presence for getting through my hard days, but her smile and laugh is a medicine so potent I wish I could bottle it up an share it with the world.  When she grows up and has a better understanding of what I mean, I hope I can accurately convey to her how thankful I am for her.

Perhaps the person I am most thankful for is my husband, Sean.  We have literally been to hell and by the grace of God we are on our way back, together.  He has been so patient with me, as I navigate the waves of grief as they come he swims next to me, holding my head above water when I’m too tired to do it by myself.  We’ve sobbed, cried, and most importantly laughed our way through the months.  I am more certain than ever this is the man I am meant to roam this earth with.

So, yes, there are times when I am not feeling so grateful; times where I am questioning what I ever did to deserve what happened to us.  But a broken heart can still feel grateful, and mine does.  I am grateful.