Sleeping late, savoring a few cups of morning coffee,
catching up on shows that are on far too late for this mama to watch live,
binge watching shows of my teenage years: these are the things a week off
should be made of- in Utopia. Not that I
didn’t get a version of this, it was just had it snippets mixed into busy, fun
days.
We had our annual visit from my cousin and his family. It’s so fun to see how much has changed from
year to year, visit to visit. Last year
they were so hesitant to come, nervous that it was too soon after we lost Jack,
less than a month, and that we wouldn't want them there. Seeing them then was probably the best thing
that could have happened to Sean and I, they were and have been so incredibly
supportive; it has been invaluable. The
kids get such a kick out of each other and the years between them don’t seem so
great. Living away from the extended
family that we were close with growing up, my sister and I were afraid our kids
would feel disconnected from them; it hasn’t and we love it.
It was a visit we look forward to all year and it was good.
We had a few lazy days mixed in where my girl and I drank in
the time we had together. If she told me
I was her best friend once, she told me a dozen times and I ate it up. I watched this little girl-no traces of a
baby left- who somehow, as her little world irrevocably changed, still manages
to grow and flourish. Though she talks of
things that no 3-½ year old should have to understand, in ways that could break
your heart. While we were driving in the
car she said, “Not everyone’s baby dies.”
While playing with her new, ridiculous collection of Tsum Tsums (“well,
they don't do anything, they just stand there,” she answered her bewildered
Uncle Dyl) she asked, “Died means your heart stopped working, right
Mommy?” These questions take my breath
away. Every time. I was steaming Sean’s shirt for the wedding
we were going to attend the next day she came into my bedroom and said, “I
would have been a good such a nice girl to Jack. I would have let him play with my toys and
play pirates with him,” and the only thing I could choke out was, “I know,
baby.” I often wonder what makes her
talk about him in bursts when we could go weeks other times and she never
mentions him. My guess is, seeing her
cousins with their little brothers, got her little mind working, thinking about
how it would have been for her. Who
knows. But my hope is that her heart
never hurts, for even a moment, the way mine does at times.
This was all her....I swear
We changed gears Friday night, and played grown-up. We threw on a suit and a gown and celebrated two
of our good friends marriage. It’s a
beautiful thing seeing two people so happy as they begin their life
together. The smiles, the kisses
prompted by clinking glasses, the dances.
Oh the dances; I’m not much of a crier at weddings but watching my
friend’s adorable father stroke her hair and crying as they danced, I looked at
Sean and saw the look in his eye and knew he was thinking of his girl and the
tears were approaching the surface. When
the groom took the floor with his mama, though, the floodgates opened. I couldn’t help but think, that though it may
not be at his wedding, I lost my own little dance partner; we’re dancers in
this house and no doubt Jack would have learned to dance right along with the
rest of us. I dried my eyes as quickly
as I could and took the night for what it was meant to be: fun. And it was.
I love a week off, busy or not. Utopia may not exist, but you can get close
and in my mind the countdown begins for the next one, planning how it will be
spent. As long as it is with the people
I love, I’ll take it all. And thing
about a broken heart is, as long as you keep moving forward, it can't help but
heal, little by little.
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