Damaged Goods

I've seen posts from time to time on Pinterest and other social networks saying things like 'My loss does not define me.'  It's a beautiful sentiment that encourages one to see beyond the losses that they or others have experienced.  I believe that Jack dying does not define who I, Tricia, am as a person.  But I would be lying if I said it hasn't defined who I am as a parent.

No one could ever accuse me of being laid back.  As a person, I am organized, overly detail oriented, punctual, and perhaps a bit controlling or bossy (listen, it's for your own good!).  So it surprised me, and probably anyone that has ever known me, to find that as a mom, it was probably the most laid back area of my life.  I mean, yes we stuck to nap time and feeding routines pretty religiously, and ball pits make my skin crawl, but I've done my best to allow Kennedy to explore her world without preventing her from truly experiencing it.

At least I did, until my heart learned what it is like to lose a child you would give your life to protect and keep close to you forever.  It is not anything I could survive twice; of that I am certain.

And so, it means, now, passing on things for my girl I wouldn't have in the previous few years.  It means trying to explain to people I love that it's not that I don't trust them, but I am already living without part of my heart and it means I am overly cautious with the other part; I'm damaged goods.

I hate the thought that I could ever hold Kennedy back from anything amazing in this life; that I could be the reason she misses out.  I worry she could resent me over time; grow tired of reasons she doesn't think are good enough when it means she is always the one to have to say, "No, sorry, my mom won't let go." 

I have a lot of years to figure out how to adjust my grip on her while I nurse this wound that will never fully heal, though when I look at her it feels like I'm racing the clock. 

My loss does not define me but it has shaped me.  It has allowed me to appreciate my little lady with every fiber of my being.  This is not to fool you into thinking that this kid doesn't annoy the crap out of me some days.  It just means that I would take a lifetime of those days because I know what the alternative looks like.