Dear Jack Holden,
Happy 1st Birthday, my beautiful boy.
I simply cannot believe that it has been an entire year
since you came into our lives so early and left us the same way. I remember every moment with you and all of
the heartbreaking ones after. Your tiny
little face, and the tiny baby noises, soft squeaks you made while you fought
to stay with us will never fade from my heart.
You would have been one today- such a big milestone for such
a little person. In our family,
birthdays are a big deal, but especially the first one. It would have been a big party; celebrating
every day you had been with us, every challenge you overcame. Yes, it probably would have looked different
than it did for Kennedy, she was walking all over at hers (but she’s a wild
woman, your big sister), but it would have been amazing. You dad would have been reminding me not to
go overboard, that it was only the first party, you wouldn’t remember it, But I will, I would tell him. We would have been so excited to see you dig
into a tiny cake, made just for you, for the first time. I would have taken a trillion pictures, not
wanting to pass up one frame.
Kennedy's 1st Birthday- 2013
It feels so wrong to celebrate your birthday without you,
but Daddy and I refused to let it pass without any type of celebratory
tradition. Like anything we’ve done this
past year, we weren’t sure how we should go about it. There’s no handbook telling us what to do;
we’re making the rules up as we go.
So, we decided we’d have a dinner in your honor on
Saturday. We’d just invite our immediate
family, the same people that came to say goodbye to you. It was fancy.
The restaurant was great- no where we’d ever have brought a one-year-old
baby, but I think that made it hurt a little less; like you weren’t supposed to
be at a place like that anyway. I did my
best to put on my makeup and keep it on my face all night. Your sister came and complained only a few
times, telling me, “Jack’s party is boring- we should dance,” and of course
your Gramps was more than happy to take part.
We toasted you and thanked all of these people that love you so much,
without having ever met you, for being there for Kennedy, Daddy and me all
these months.
After dinner, we had brought wish lanterns to send up you in
heaven. We had tried a few out in the
backyard the night before and they worked great. Of course, this night was frigid cold and
windy on top of it. We all tried our
best to get them up to you but we just couldn’t make it happen. Your Uncles Eric, Dylan, and Al, stubborn as
they are, wouldn’t give up and as we were making our way back to our cars I
heard them yelling and cheering. The
lantern went sailing up and away to you, I cried in happiness and your sister
came flying through the parking lot screaming, “Mommy, we did it! We sent a
wish to Jackie!” Oh Jack, she loves you
so much. She will be such a good big
sister to you from afar.
Today we cried. I
couldn’t help it. My heart hurts so
badly without you, my sweet boy. By the
time I got myself out of bed, looked through all of the messages from all of
the people that love our family and wanted to let us know they were thinking of
you, I was so tired. The only thing on
my list today was to visit your special spot and bring you some flowers. I always think it’s weird to bring flowers to
a little boy, nothing you would ever have appreciated if you were here, I’m
sure, but I don’t know what else to do.
When we got there, we bumped into Nana and Gramps. Your nana, someone that never had the right
candles on birthdays but made do with what she could dig out of the junk
drawer, brought a number “One” candle.
Kennedy sent up her red star, helium balloon, the one she told us she
wasn’t giving to you, only bringing to show you. I think she just wanted to make sure you knew
she loves you on your birthday. We lit
the candle and sang to you, she blew out your candle for you.
I tried to be strong today for you Jack. I wanted you to look down and see that your
mama kept going. It has been awful
without you, nothing seems as bright, or fun, or happy without part of my heart,
but I promise you I will keep going.
Daddy and I would have always tried to teach you that even when things
were tough, and they probably would have been harder for you than most, my
love, that you have to keep your head up and you have to keep going.
Kennedy and I made cupcakes for you tonight. She put the
wrappers in the tin, mixed and poured the batter, and let us know, excitedly,
every time another minute passed on the timer.
We let them cool and iced them with the leftover frozen blue frosting
form your big cousin Mason’s first birthday.
She told me she would blow out your candles for you. We sang happy
birthday again.
I made a wish for you, Jack.
I made a wish that you will always know you are loved. You will never be forgotten. Your birthday will never pass unnoticed.
I love you, Jack Holden.
Happy birthday.
Love,
Mommy
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