Insert Fear Here.

She’s fearless.  A sentiment used often to describe my baby girl; by me, by her grandparents, my friends.  And for the most part, she is.  I’ve loved that about her-the way she approaches things with boldness in her eyes I can’t really explain.  It makes her seem so free, that there is no hesitation in anything she does.  Except now it scares me. 

She talks to strangers like they are old besties and is far too friendly to people that are friendly towards her.  She had started off a little shy, with me having to coax her into smiling or waving to someone that interacted with her as a baby and young toddler but now I feel like we have to do a 180 and head in the opposite direction with me telling her she absolutely can not talk to strangers, that she should be afraid of people.  I wish there could a middle ground but I'm learning, as with everything involving a four-year-old, no such ground exists.

My cousin and his family came to visit this weekend and we had a great time, leaving all of us exhausted and content.  We visited the annual fair around here and stayed up late, riding rides and filling our bellies with greasy fries covered in cheese, bacon, and served in a paper dog bowl and sugary cotton candy and lemonade.  It was incredibly crowded which made me anxious and on edge, if my eyes went off any of the kids for even a second I panicked.  While the whole traveling fair-scene has always been a bit creepy to me it reached an all time high (or low, really) when I took Kennedy on a ride.  The operator was a man that was overly friendly, talkative, and just gave off an overall creepy vibe.  My little duck, off course, was not picking up on this and was smiling and talking and excitedly joking around, which he seemed to be eating up.  While we entered the ride, I picked her up, strapped her in, and he never came in contact with either one of us.  When we exited the ride Kennedy got confused, thought he was me as we were exiting, and she grabbed onto his shorts.  The look he gave, meant for her but that I intercepted, went right through me.  I felt ill.  Nothing happened. I repeat: NOTHING HAPPENED.  But the dark parts of my mind went right to work and I thought: he easily could have been a pervert, a really bad guy, and he could have hurt her or done something that would have been inappropriate but she made not have even known it had I not been right there with her.  And were there other kids, kids whose parents weren’t right there? I could have vomited. 

And so what did I do?  I went on the next ride with her and I talked to her.  I scared her.  I scared her into understanding that not everyone is a good person; that there are people that could hurt you even though they pretend to be nice and friendly.  She asked the usual questions: How? Why? Who? I had to draw a line in regards to how scared I could make her but I had to make sure she understood as best she could at four.  Was it the best route to take with a little kid?  Who knows but I had to make a decision, a decision that would no longer allow her to feel so free and comfortable in her surroundings and that broke my heart a little.  Yet the fear that I was feeling while seeing how vulnerable a child can be when they are inherently too trusting overrode the joy I felt and feel in regards to her freedom.

Her boundaries need work and it doesn’t help trying to explain to her that some strangers are all right to talk to and others aren’t and as with most parenting lessons I flounder and look to others for a little guidance. As she gets older we will find a balance.  But I will watch her like a hawk for as long as I can get away with it and pray like mad that when I no longer can that her gut will take over and lead her in the right direction, should she ever find herself in a situation that feels off.  I pray she learns that that kind of perceptiveness brings a freedom all of its own.  My hope is that this bit of fear I’ve planted takes hold but does not take over; that she may be a bit more guarded with her smiles until someone has earned them as well as her trust.  I hope she will still dive into situations headfirst but only after she does a quick check to make sure it’s safe.   

A few more shots of the weekend fun…

And now, I sleep.