Slowing Things Down

Whenever grown-ups would say things like, “It seems like it was just yesterday…” I would roll my eyes.  I couldn’t grasp the concept.  Well to steal their sentiment, it seems like it was only yesterday that I had this brand new baby girl in my arms, letting a day just fall away while I stared at her in utter amazement.  And suddenly, all in a week’s time, Sean and I found ourselves sitting in the audience of a dance recital and a preschool graduation.  And more than once I have caught myself literally wiping the tears that start streaming down my face; I can’t help but take in the fact that that same baby girl is five and finishing up all of the things that a year ago, made her seem like a real little kid, and now, make her seem too old.  How can it be that we are here already?  Her first year of dance over, two years of preschool coming to a close, and her first foray in organized sports winding down; it’s going too fast.  I feel like I’m losing her.

Now I know, this seems a tad over dramatic but hear me out.  These first, precious, five years, when we have been the center of her little world are behind us and, ahead of her, all of these new little people that over time will come to mean just as much if not more to her.  Their opinions will be the ones she will hear loud and clear, sometimes drowning out our voices in her head telling her all of the good things a mom and dad desperately try to convince their little ones of.  She will go to school in September, and that will be where most of the best things in her day will happen, and I can only hope she’ll want me to know about it all.  And, as pathetic as it sounds, I won’t be her “best friend” anymore.  I can’t be; the introduction of all of these outsiders will force me to take off the “friend” hat for good (or at least for the next thirteen-ish years) and be her mom-the one she will direct all of her frustration at, the one that will ruin a perfectly good time because I worry too much or assume too much.  Don’t get me wrong-it has to be done and so I will step into that role willingly-if for no other reason than to do my part to ensure I am not sending an a**hole out into the world, but it still makes me sad. 

And so, this week I found myself wishing time would slow down so I could do a better job of taking it all in.  Willing myself not to get frustrated at the little things: the tantrums, the willfulness.  I did my best to stop and absorb the things that may stop in the coming years: the way she touches my face or asks me how my day is, unsatisfied if I don’t offer up enough detail.   I watched this little girl who, quite literally, dances like no one is watching or can’t imagine anyone laughing at her for it or sings louder than any of the other children, not even a hint of self-consciousness and I offered up a silent prayer to whoever listens to the pleas of a mama on the edge ‘Please don’t let the world ruin her. Don’t let it take this from her.’

Whether it was heard or not, she danced her little heart out and performed the songs, complete with the sign-language I didn’t know she knew, with an unrestrained joy that made my eyes leak and my heart feel so full.

Sean is away this weekend on his golf annual with the men of my family and so, as Kennedy says every five minutes, it’s a girl’s weekend for us! I hope she’ll always be this happy to spend a weekend home with me.  We have some much needed sunshine and heat coming our way so I already know that the days will bring lots of time outside, with dirty knees and feet, but a whole lot of smiles too. 

I am doing my best to slow this time with her down; this last summer before I have to let her go and allow her to begin to build a little life outside of her family.  I will squeeze out every last drop of it that I can and that this big baby bump will allow for.

That being said it’s my last week of work for the school year and it can’t end soon enough.  So next week; I will slow it all down next week.