Happy Birthday, Baby Boy

To my sweet baby- the littlest Doyle boy,

I really can’t begin to wrap my head around how we got here.  How is it that I just put you to sleep on the last night before your first birthday?  How did it all go so fast?  

It really seems to my heart that you were just getting here; that I was sitting around, quite literally holding my breath waiting to see you; to hear your cries and see you breathing. I can remember all of those months leading up to that moment-and with each passing one I was desperately trying not to get too attached to you, afraid our eyes would never meet.  And yet the moment I heard your first loud cry I knew what I’d known all along, I was already wrapped around your chubby little fingers and there was no turning back.  

From those first minutes you were this big, sweet boy.  Your chubby cheeks made it impossible not to fall in love with you and those big round eyes made it impossible to look away.  Even now, those eyes seem to be taking every single thing in, like you know there is too many amazing things around you to miss.

With you, you brought so much of what had been missing from our home for far too long.  You have filled our lives with laughter- and its obvious you love to make your adoring fans laugh, smiles- real honest-to-God smiles, the kind that reach your eyes and bring color to your cheeks, the kind I have been so desperate to see in photos again.  You gave your sister a partner in crime; someone to love, and snuggle, and chase.  You gave your dad a little buddy to make him feel funny and growl with. 

You brought me back to life, my sweet boy.  I know that is a lot of responsibility to put on such tiny shoulders but it is the truth. I am really living again.  When your brother left us I felt so robbed, so cheated, and so angry.  It’s like I was sent a boy that could melt some of that ache away from my heart and soften some of those hard edges again.  You brought the light back into my world. 

Our vacation this last week with you was a bit hectic, chasing you around and holding our breaths as you narrowly missed coffee table edges, waking up before sunrise because you like your crib at home better, but you made every moment of it sweeter too. You are so very loved; it makes me feel like my heart could burst at its seams.

I will celebrate your year here with us the only way I know how: big, full of faces that love you, and all the mama tears I have in my tank.  I will cry: because I am so sad I can not keep you small, because I am relieved to have made it to a year with a healthy, happy boy that is growing (and walking, and cutting three teeth in a ten-day-span!!), and because I didn’t think I would ever really celebrate a first birthday again.    

You have a fever tonight. I will wake up and check on you no less that six times.  I will tell myself it will be to make sure you are all right, that your fever doesn’t come back.  But my heart knows the truth-I want to take in every moment of you I can before you turn One.  Because I know how fast this will go; I know that in the blink of an eye, you too will be six.  But to me, you will forever be my little chooch, my sweet baby boy. 

I love you, Carter Fitzgerald, more than I will probably ever be able to put into words.

Happy Birthday.  

Love, 

Mama

Happy Birthday, Baby

Dear Jack Holden,

Happy 1^st Birthday, my beautiful boy.

I simply cannot believe that it has been an entire year since you came into our lives so early and left us the same way.  I remember every moment with you and all of the heartbreaking ones after.  Your tiny little face, and the tiny baby noises, soft squeaks you made while you fought to stay with us will never fade from my heart. 

You would have been one today- such a big milestone for such a little person.  In our family, birthdays are a big deal, but especially the first one.  It would have been a big party; celebrating every day you had been with us, every challenge you overcame.  Yes, it probably would have looked different than it did for Kennedy, she was walking all over at hers (but she’s a wild woman, your big sister), but it would have been amazing.  You dad would have been reminding me not to go overboard, that it was only the first party, you wouldn’t remember it, But I will, I would tell him.  We would have been so excited to see you dig into a tiny cake, made just for you, for the first time.  I would have taken a trillion pictures, not wanting to pass up one frame.

Kennedy's 1st Birthday- 2013

It feels so wrong to celebrate your birthday without you, but Daddy and I refused to let it pass without any type of celebratory tradition.  Like anything we’ve done this past year, we weren’t sure how we should go about it.  There’s no handbook telling us what to do; we’re making the rules up as we go. 

So, we decided we’d have a dinner in your honor on Saturday.  We’d just invite our immediate family, the same people that came to say goodbye to you.  It was fancy.  The restaurant was great- no where we’d ever have brought a one-year-old baby, but I think that made it hurt a little less; like you weren’t supposed to be at a place like that anyway.  I did my best to put on my makeup and keep it on my face all night.  Your sister came and complained only a few times, telling me, “Jack’s party is boring- we should dance,” and of course your Gramps was more than happy to take part.  We toasted you and thanked all of these people that love you so much, without having ever met you, for being there for Kennedy, Daddy and me all these months.

After dinner, we had brought wish lanterns to send up you in heaven.  We had tried a few out in the backyard the night before and they worked great.  Of course, this night was frigid cold and windy on top of it.  We all tried our best to get them up to you but we just couldn’t make it happen.  Your Uncles Eric, Dylan, and Al, stubborn as they are, wouldn’t give up and as we were making our way back to our cars I heard them yelling and cheering.  The lantern went sailing up and away to you, I cried in happiness and your sister came flying through the parking lot screaming, “Mommy, we did it! We sent a wish to Jackie!”  Oh Jack, she loves you so much.  She will be such a good big sister to you from afar.

Today we cried.  I couldn’t help it.  My heart hurts so badly without you, my sweet boy.  By the time I got myself out of bed, looked through all of the messages from all of the people that love our family and wanted to let us know they were thinking of you, I was so tired.  The only thing on my list today was to visit your special spot and bring you some flowers.  I always think it’s weird to bring flowers to a little boy, nothing you would ever have appreciated if you were here, I’m sure, but I don’t know what else to do.  When we got there, we bumped into Nana and Gramps.  Your nana, someone that never had the right candles on birthdays but made do with what she could dig out of the junk drawer, brought a number “One” candle.  Kennedy sent up her red star, helium balloon, the one she told us she wasn’t giving to you, only bringing to show you.  I think she just wanted to make sure you knew she loves you on your birthday.  We lit the candle and sang to you, she blew out your candle for you.

 

I tried to be strong today for you Jack.  I wanted you to look down and see that your mama kept going.  It has been awful without you, nothing seems as bright, or fun, or happy without part of my heart, but I promise you I will keep going.  Daddy and I would have always tried to teach you that even when things were tough, and they probably would have been harder for you than most, my love, that you have to keep your head up and you have to keep going.

Kennedy and I made cupcakes for you tonight. She put the wrappers in the tin, mixed and poured the batter, and let us know, excitedly, every time another minute passed on the timer.  We let them cool and iced them with the leftover frozen blue frosting form your big cousin Mason’s first birthday.  She told me she would blow out your candles for you. We sang happy birthday again.

I made a wish for you, Jack.  I made a wish that you will always know you are loved.  You will never be forgotten.  Your birthday will never pass unnoticed.

I love you, Jack Holden.  Happy birthday.

Love,

Mommy