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| photo credit: Jessica Merrill Photography |
I’m learning that, in life, everyone will have these moments
where they realize that they are exactly where they need to be. I think it hits us at different times; some
really huge moments and then at times where, if you aren't paying close attention,
you could miss it altogether.
Two weeks ago was one of those moments for me. Sean and I, with a lot of help from our
wonderful family and friends, saw Jack’s Herd, Inc. host its Second Annual
Cocktail Party and Silent Auction. The
build up for this is tremendous, months of planning and phone calls, asking for
donation after donation, being shocked and overwhelmed when even more donations
than we expected came in; it’s really an amazing process. But the stress- oh the stress- it builds and
I found myself wishing it would just hurry up and get here, not so I could rush
it away, but so that I could slow down for a minute and take in everything that
has happened since last year for the organization we started to honor the sweet
boy that we couldn’t keep.
Putting it all together this year was hard for a lot of
reasons. The main one is a big-eyed,
chubby cheeked little man that, though is as un-fussy as they come, makes it
hard to do anything else; hard to want to do anything else. You see, he’s six months already and time is
going way too fast and, of this, I am constantly aware. I already feel like my attention is pulled in
so many different directions and I struggle to feel like I am giving enough to
any of it, but when it comes to him and his sister, I feel that struggle so
much more intensely. And then I feel
guilty, because this is all that Jack gets of us, a party thrown in his name
once a year, and so it deserves my full attention. So what does this all mean for me? A lot of sleepless nights, a lot of
nerve-induced tears, a lot of bickering with Sean and the rest of our board
members about what would be best for Jack’s Herd and the event, but it’s this
overwhelming sense of love that drove it all forward. And then it was here.
So when every single, solitary person you know will be at the
same place as you and you’ve planned an adults-only party, what’s a mom to do
with her kids? You ask a friend to drive
up from Long Island to help you out! And
what, you may ask, happens when said friend comes down with a big’ole stomach
bug? You beg your baby brother to watch
your kids for you. And what do you do,
when said perpetual baby, states, “sure, but I can’t change diapers so…”? You dress the baby up in his Easter outfit
and bring him to a cocktail party.
After a day of working, and setting up and putting on a
pretty awesome rental dress, we were finally on our way, nervously chatting
about what we thought the night would bring and be announcing that I scrapped my
planned speech and would just wing it.
Needless to say, my stomach hurt and I was regretting the Taco Bell I’d
caved and ate out of stress hours earlier.
The venue was beautiful, the auction was amazing and
everyone looked great. And so we stood
around and waited. And once it started
it was absolutely incredible. The
turnout was everything I’d hoped for; the smiles on every face made it all
worth it. Sean and I walked to the front
of the room to speak and I looked out to tell them what their support this last
year did; that they’d helped over sixty grieving families in their worst
moments and when I looked up to speak those words, I knew. I knew I was right where I was supposed to
be. That somehow, these last three years
and all of the heartache and healing that went with it had brought me to what I
was supposed to do. And so I opened my
heart, wider than I had before in front of everyone, and told them what it all
meant for these families, what it meant for mine. I can’t tell you exactly what I said, though
a friend of mine tells me I used the term “shitty consolation prize” which
reminds me public speaking is not in my future, but I know my heart felt
lighter when it was over.
photo credit: Jessica Merrill Photography
photo credit: Jessica Merrill Photography
photo credit: Jessica Merrill Photography
photo credit: Jessica Merrill Photography
photo credit: Jessica Merrill Photography
photo credit: Jessica Merrill Photography
photo credit: Jessica Merrill Photography
photo credit: Jessica Merrill Photography
And, my God, the support and generosity that was shown that
night told me these beautiful people got it.
They understood why what we are trying to do is so important. We
surpassed our fundraising goal and expectations. I spoke with families who had been through
something similar and heard about us and decided to be part of it. I was where I was supposed to be.
The rest of the days have been filled with thank you
letters, and material orders, and attempting to get ourselves organized in our
day-to-day life again. It has been
filled with family, and birthday parties for little people we love, and trying
solids, and a special night out with my little girl; it has been filled with
St. Patty’s Day celebrations-that look much different than they used to, and
bridal showers and paint and sips. It
has been busy, and exhausting, and beautiful and it all brought me to where I
found myself this morning.
I had the gym waiting for me, and a mound of dishes in the
sink, and a pile of thank you notes to handwrite. But I also had a little girl that came out
into the living room after waking up asking to cuddle me, and a husband that
was craving pancakes for breakfast, and a baby boy that lets me hold him close
and touches my face and kisses his big sister full on the mouth that needed some
loving. And so, again, I stopped for a
minute and realized that the rest of it could wait; that I was exactly where I
was supposed to be.
